[ edmondchang.com ]

JANUARY IS ALMOST DONE. Where has the time gone? I cannot believe that we’re already a month into the new year. My awareness of the the passage of time seems heightened these days. It’s because of the dissertation. Or more accurately because of the fact that I have not done enough work on the dissertation. Every day that goes by, every week that goes by, and every month that goes by is a reminder of how much time I have wasted, how much time I have let slip through my hands, and how much time I have been stuck in my process. It has been over a quarter since my meeting with my dissertation advisor. I have done some reading hear and there. I have done some free writing here and there. But when it comes to any kind of substantive, structured, even-near-well-articulated writing, I have little to show for the last three or four months. It’s disheartening, even as I understand that this is all part of the process.

I know that everything that I have been doing, even the down time, is all part of the preparation for the next chapter, the next steps, and finishing. It’s all up in my head. And it’s swishing around. And there are moments, mere glimpses, usually when I’m doing nothing in particular — like washing the dishes or riding the bus home — where I see an idea coming together. But it’s nascent. And I really have nothing to put down on paper, although I might try. So, I sense that work is being done one some subconscious, unconscious level. I hope from simplicity comes complexity. The writing will emerge like Athena from my brow. That is not to say, of course, that I am just going to wait around for it to happen. I keep fiddling, I keep scribbling, I keep reading, and I keep agonizing. (Alas, it’s much more of the latter than the former these days.)

It doesn’t help that the past few weeks have been unusually full and volatile. A lot has been happening — fortunately not to me directly — but to people around me, people close to me. Jane, my roomie and fellow dissertating grad, suffered two tragedies in a row (her best friend’s mother passed away and her beloved dog Thor died, both quite suddenly). It’s been an tough few weeks for Jane and for me. Then my friend Rebecca’s favorite riding horse, the one she learned to ride on as a child, died. Then my friend Jason’s father passed away. It’s been an incredible confluence of extremely high emotions for all involved.

Life has just been busy, full of the odds and ends that seem small and manageable on their own but when grossed together make troubling logjams in the flow if things. For example, I usually have Monday, Wednesday, and Friday off this quarter. I only have to be on campus on Tuesday and Thursday during the week. But I have had to go in on my off days to help cover Jane or Jason’s classes. Or I have a meeting for one group or another. Or I have to take care of some detail like returning a recalled library book or dropping off a letter of recommendation to a student. In of themselves, they don’t take up a lot of time. But combined with my daily duties of teaching and life, the hours just get whittled and whiled away.

To be honest, I have whittled and whiled time away doing nothing but procrastinating, too. Procrastination is the number one coping mechanism for PhDepression. Some of that procrastination takes the form of other kinds of work — like working on teaching stuff or cleaning up the apartment or trying to have a life — but some of that procrastination is simply time to turn the brain off (or try to anyway) and just be. I have watched a lot of television. It doesn’t help that Jane is also going through the same kinds of PhDepression pains. We simply park ourselves in front of the TV and just let the day go. Lately, the LOGO channel has been showing random episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It’s a decidely happy distraction. I am tempted to buy the whole series on DVD so we can watch it from beginning to end.

Some of the “fun” time has been really helpful and even therapeutic. I have managed to put together a Tellings gaming group. I have six players gathered from school and friends, a mixture of new and old, and it seems to be going well. My friend Josh, who played with me when I lived in San Francisco, and his friend Andrea are playing. My friend Curtis and new friend Michael from grad school are playing. My former student Rebecca, who has taken four classes with me including my tabletop RPG and LARP classes, is playing. And, lastly, Greg, my partner, is playing. We have been playing for a couple of months now, and I am happy. In fact, Curtis has mentioned to me that I seem happier and more outgoing. I knew that gaming was an important outlet for me for my creativity, imagination, and extroversion. It’s sad that it’s taken me nearly five years to get a group going here. But better late than never.

Overall, the same formula has been holding true: life = pretty good / dissertation = death. Hopefully, the next month will be better in both regards. More soon.

AS ALWAYS, there’s too much to talk about and nothing to talk about all at the same time. Life has been, well, life. Trundling along, babbling along, sometimes with me in the lead and sometimes dragging me behind it. Much of the past few weeks has been devoted getting the new quarter underway. The transition from winter quarter to spring quarter is always tough. There’s not enough down time, recovery time. We have a week — otherwise called spring break — between quarters. And as I have moaned and groaned about before, the quarter system is at times grueling. After two quarter facing a third quarter seems cruel and unusual punishment. But, such is life.

Spring break was spent mainly working on my two classes this quarter: ENGL 242 A: Reading Fiction: “Not Your Average High School Novel Class: Re-Reading as Critical Practice” and CHID 496 D: Focus Group: “Heroes & Monsters: Understanding Live-Action Role-Playing Games”.

I also spent a few days putting together an application for a Huckabay Teaching Fellowship. I proposed developing an “Introduction to Video Game Studies” course with a public humanities component. It would be nice to be able to put together a revision of my ENGL 207 A: Introduction to Cultural Studies class and then teach it next spring. Basically, if I get the fellowship, I will spend the upcoming winter quarter working on the class and the attached student symposium. Then, I hope to get enough funding from English or Comparative History of Ideas to actually run the class in the spring quarter.

School started at the end of March. I have a full class again. The course has a pretty interesting take on reading literature, I think. But it’s one of those classes that either will be really amazing or really painful depending on whether the students get on board. As I said to them on the first day, “If you feel like I will be murdering your childhood, don’t take this class.” We’re reading a lot of things that students have had either in high school or other classes or have some common sense knowledge about already. And given that these “classics” have a lot of traditional baggage attached to them, students might feel like the class is out to destroy what they know, what they think, and what they believe. Part of the requirements of the class is to read SparkNotes.com, to get a sense of the thematic, descriptive, literary “analysis” they are accustomed to, and to realize that talking about plot, character, theme, symbol, motif, and personal interpretation is insufficient and uncritical.

It’s only been a few weeks and I am already tired (but I think I was tired to begin with). I teach my literature class four days a week at 8:30 AM. Even though I am done at 9:30 AM and get to go home most days, I feel like the hour that I am “on” I use up all of my energy. I also have a “problem” student this quarter — a student who likes to be oppositional for the sake of being opposition, who likes to disagree with me and argue that there is a “proper” and “singular” way to read a text, and who tries to commandeer the discussion. It was distressing at first because I don’t want to shut anyone down. But I have taken to being a bit more directive and setting clearer boundaries, which seems to be working pretty well.

My focus group is interesting and I haven’t quite figured out what it’s going to be like. We only meet once a week and there was a lot of turnover the first week. The class is about live-action role-playing games and we will be playing Archaea. Most of the students have some experience with RPGs in general. Some of them have never played an RPG before, much less a LARP. We are starting with three films about the subject: Mazes and Monsters (1982), Monster Camp (2007), and Darkon (2006). I am excited, but there’s a lot of prep work to do: print rulebooks, making equipment, making costumes, and getting everyone ready to actually play. We will be playing on campus during our class’s meeting time. Hopefully, this will lead to getting an actual group up and going outside of school.

Otherwise, my own work is pretty much still stalled. My Facebook profile often reads “Ed has PhDepression.” I am trying to do little things to work up to bigger things. But I think the problem is that I’m just tired, burnt out, a little disheartened and dismayed by the prospects for my immediate future (after graduation), and overwhelmed by the enormity of what I have to produce (much less define in terms of who I am as a scholar). Granted, this paralysis and frustration and gnashing of teeth is not specific to me per se. It is very much what almost every grad student I know goes through. I am also under pressure to complete at least a chapter by the end of the term, which is like eight weeks away, to have top consideration for funding next year. It’s just a big ball of stress and worry, which generally makes me not want to work on it.

More later.

STILL TIRED. I think I say that a lot. And I think it’s my general state and the general state of most graduate students. It’s not that I don’t get enough sleep (though sometimes that’s the case), but rather it’s just that I constantly feel worn down. In other words, it’s called stress. It is a diffuse, lingering, shifting kind of stress, which weighs me down like a heavy blanket. I do have a lot to do and I do have various responsibilities that keep me busy, but it’s not like I have seminar papers due in two weeks or bill collectors breathing down my neck or impending, unresolved relationship drama to confront. For the most part, my life is good. My deadlines are farther off, fuzzy on the horizion. My bills are getting paid though I am worried about funding for next year. (In fact, I just got a credit report done and I am in great, great shape.) And my relationship with Greg has settled, is comfortable, and is a nice, warm, happy spot in my life, though you never really know what will happen or where things will go in a week, in a month, in six months, in a year.The biggest stressor is school.

On a micro level, teaching has been particularly challenging this quarter. I have some really good students who are bright, engaged, good writers, great participators in class discussion, and who seem like they like me and the class. However, I have a majority of students who I think feel a bit baited-and-switched because my class on video games wasn’t what they wanted or turned out to be what they expected (even though I was very clear about the goals and focus of the course from day one). They have faced rigor and difficulty and the demand for critical thinking with less grace and effort and enthusiasm than I had hoped. And I think rather than turning to me for help, than taking up the challenge, than getting something out of the class, they are simply shutting down. My first set of major papers four weeks ago were under par (but it makes sense since it’s the first time they have written for me). Alas, because they are required to do two out of three papers during the quarter, most chose not to do the first turn-in. The second set of papers were near abysmal. In fact, I got them this past Monday, started grading them, found them to be distressingly poor, and graded the whole stack (which took me nearly twelve hours) so I could return them to the class the very next day. I mean I got a paper that was only two pages (the requirement was 4-6), not researched (they had to have five academic sources), and ended in the middle of a paragraph. Really?! That’s what you’re going to turn in? I wanted to make sure I talked to them about it before it was too late. It has been a long time since I have had to use the voice of authority, to thrash a class with a scolding; I cowed them to the point that they couldn’t look me in the eyes till I was finished. However, the roll of the dice did not pay off and I think many have chosen the path of least resistance and simply given up. The students who are fine are fine. The students who ask for help will be fine. But the students who don’t do anything, give in to either apathy or inertia or fear, are going to be in serious trouble. Even though I know I cannot help everyone nor should I expect every student to respond and engage, it depresses me and pisses me off and stresses me out.

On a macro level, I am worried about the next year or two. I am unsure about the next year or two. And I am ambivalent about the next year or two. The national financial crises (we have to make sure we understand that this is plural not some singular problem or catastrophe that can be solved in one fell swoop or stimulus plan) has of course produced budget crises at the University of Washington, which has produced budget crises in my home department. (Of course, the humanities get hit the hardest or have to suffer the most in these final calculations.) What does this mean? What does this mean for me? There’s a whole list of things. Here are some salient things drawn from the last departmental meeting with grad students and the departmental chair (I took minutes at this meeting):

–we have little info, but any info will be made available as soon as possible; a lot is not yet known or decided; “uncertainty” is the word of the minute, hour, and day; much of this again depends on the State budget (Washington is deciding its next biennium state budget this year)

–preliminary permanent TA allocation for next year; 80% of total from last year; even at 80%, the money reaches far enough to fun all TAs through the 5th year (that we have)

–beyond the 5th year, things are still uncertain; much of this depends on the State budget (as decided by Olympia), which might be late this year

–course assignments will be trickier this year; this will sort out slowly

–the College is thinking about going to create a temporary TA budget; still unknown but some of that money would likely go to English

–Graduate Studies Committee / Faculty endorsed no more than 2 TA positions available for recruitment, for brand new people (down from the usual 10-12 offers); the money that we do have will go to students already in the program

–new TAs / 6th Year funding is still uncertain; “magnified” this year; question about insurance (if we’re not appointed, can we get insurance coverage); uncertain whether or not 6th year offers will be quarter-to-quarter or year-long appointments; historically 6th year funding is quarter to quarter

–the director of the Expository Writing Program says normally we would have 30-34 new TAs (recruits, fellowship grads, grads who have not yet TAed), but this year it looks like it will be about 15; which means that 2nd years will probably continue to teach ENGL 131 (the core comp class) rather than moving on to other kinds of classes

–the director of gradute studies says that the department is really committed to the people here; she discusses work critera (barring a windfall) approved by the faculty: in order to be considered for 6th year funding, you must have defended the dissertation prospectus AND your director of your dissertation must have approved 1 chapter of the dissertation (these decisions won’t be made until the very end of the spring quarter, so write!); heads up on the satisfactory progress benchmarks, you need to meet those benchmarks; 4th years really need to complete the exams (waivers are no longer going to mean much anymore); 2nd years need to complete the MA; this is a way to support as many people as possible with a clear criterion

–dissertation fellowships are not directly affected, pay out from the endowment; the endowment has gone down but it is cushioned; pay out for next year will not be cut as much as the departmental money; PhCs should pay attention to the things sent out from the graduate office via the PhC listserv for funding opportunities

–the chair projects that with the upcoming year, there will be a lot of students coming in and someone will need to teach them; granted money will probably come back into the system but it is uncertain where

The biggest problems are: first, not knowing much until the State decides its budget, which puts people like grad students in a bind because they have to plan for the summer or next year but have to wait to see if they get funding or not; and second, having to suddenly meet benchmarks in some cut-and-dry way, which means some grad students caught in limbo are going to suffer.

My guaranteed funding is up this school year. Next year will be my “sixth year” though it is my fifth year being here (I’m post Master’s), so I am in the category of “not knowing.” I hate it, actually. It was the intention of the department to extend guaranteed funding to sixth years. But the financial meltdown has obliterated that dream. I think I will be fine, but I hate not knowing I will be fine, particularly in matters of money. I really didn’t want to take out another year of loans. I really just want to finish my degree, teach another year, and get out on the market. I am going to apply for upcoming fellowships and such. I’d rather be teaching, though. But all funding opportunities are contingent on your place in the process, your satisfactory progress towards the degree. In other words, how much have you done and how much have you written?

I got through my dissertation prospectus defense and am now supposedly writing. I have started reading and researching (though barely), but I have not actually put pen to paper, hands to keyboard. I don’t even have a working file saved on my computer called “ed’s dissertation.doc” yet. The general dissertation funk is strong in me. It’s not unusual, quite normal actually. Most people simply get stuck, freaked out, depressed, paralyzed, or overwhelmed. I think I’m a little taste of each at the smorgasbord of grad student anxiety and insecurity. In part, I think I’m looking forward and seeing a pretty bleak future. I really wanted to finish this calendar year and try to go on the market this fall. But my committee is against it (unless I actually finish my dissertation). To think that I would be in grad school another two years is depressing to me. And then I have the woefully glutted and woefully sere job market to contend with and figure out. Too many PhDs, not enough positions. Why write my dissertation if it’s going to get me no where? Why start now if I know I have two years to go? Why bother if I can’t get funding to do my work much less to live and eat and sleep under a roof?

That’s where I am at. That’s where I’ll be for a while, I think. That’s what I have to work through.

Like I said, things are generally fine in the now. But down the road looks dodgy.

More soon.