[ edmondchang.com ]

JANUARY IS ALMOST DONE. Where has the time gone? I cannot believe that we’re already a month into the new year. My awareness of the the passage of time seems heightened these days. It’s because of the dissertation. Or more accurately because of the fact that I have not done enough work on the dissertation. Every day that goes by, every week that goes by, and every month that goes by is a reminder of how much time I have wasted, how much time I have let slip through my hands, and how much time I have been stuck in my process. It has been over a quarter since my meeting with my dissertation advisor. I have done some reading hear and there. I have done some free writing here and there. But when it comes to any kind of substantive, structured, even-near-well-articulated writing, I have little to show for the last three or four months. It’s disheartening, even as I understand that this is all part of the process.

I know that everything that I have been doing, even the down time, is all part of the preparation for the next chapter, the next steps, and finishing. It’s all up in my head. And it’s swishing around. And there are moments, mere glimpses, usually when I’m doing nothing in particular — like washing the dishes or riding the bus home — where I see an idea coming together. But it’s nascent. And I really have nothing to put down on paper, although I might try. So, I sense that work is being done one some subconscious, unconscious level. I hope from simplicity comes complexity. The writing will emerge like Athena from my brow. That is not to say, of course, that I am just going to wait around for it to happen. I keep fiddling, I keep scribbling, I keep reading, and I keep agonizing. (Alas, it’s much more of the latter than the former these days.)

It doesn’t help that the past few weeks have been unusually full and volatile. A lot has been happening — fortunately not to me directly — but to people around me, people close to me. Jane, my roomie and fellow dissertating grad, suffered two tragedies in a row (her best friend’s mother passed away and her beloved dog Thor died, both quite suddenly). It’s been an tough few weeks for Jane and for me. Then my friend Rebecca’s favorite riding horse, the one she learned to ride on as a child, died. Then my friend Jason’s father passed away. It’s been an incredible confluence of extremely high emotions for all involved.

Life has just been busy, full of the odds and ends that seem small and manageable on their own but when grossed together make troubling logjams in the flow if things. For example, I usually have Monday, Wednesday, and Friday off this quarter. I only have to be on campus on Tuesday and Thursday during the week. But I have had to go in on my off days to help cover Jane or Jason’s classes. Or I have a meeting for one group or another. Or I have to take care of some detail like returning a recalled library book or dropping off a letter of recommendation to a student. In of themselves, they don’t take up a lot of time. But combined with my daily duties of teaching and life, the hours just get whittled and whiled away.

To be honest, I have whittled and whiled time away doing nothing but procrastinating, too. Procrastination is the number one coping mechanism for PhDepression. Some of that procrastination takes the form of other kinds of work — like working on teaching stuff or cleaning up the apartment or trying to have a life — but some of that procrastination is simply time to turn the brain off (or try to anyway) and just be. I have watched a lot of television. It doesn’t help that Jane is also going through the same kinds of PhDepression pains. We simply park ourselves in front of the TV and just let the day go. Lately, the LOGO channel has been showing random episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It’s a decidely happy distraction. I am tempted to buy the whole series on DVD so we can watch it from beginning to end.

Some of the “fun” time has been really helpful and even therapeutic. I have managed to put together a Tellings gaming group. I have six players gathered from school and friends, a mixture of new and old, and it seems to be going well. My friend Josh, who played with me when I lived in San Francisco, and his friend Andrea are playing. My friend Curtis and new friend Michael from grad school are playing. My former student Rebecca, who has taken four classes with me including my tabletop RPG and LARP classes, is playing. And, lastly, Greg, my partner, is playing. We have been playing for a couple of months now, and I am happy. In fact, Curtis has mentioned to me that I seem happier and more outgoing. I knew that gaming was an important outlet for me for my creativity, imagination, and extroversion. It’s sad that it’s taken me nearly five years to get a group going here. But better late than never.

Overall, the same formula has been holding true: life = pretty good / dissertation = death. Hopefully, the next month will be better in both regards. More soon.

IT’S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN. A new year cometh. An old year goeth. It’s amazing to me how fast time just goes hustling by. It seems like so much has happened in the past year. And it seems like I have gotten very little done. Mainly, I think because much of my measure of time is based on school, on teaching, and on the progress (or lack thereof) of my dissertation, time seems to move by quickly but relatively homogenously. It all seems the same. Day in, day out. But, as with years past, a little reflection will help me see that a lot has transpired, a lot has changed, and I have changed. Let there be a list!

101 Things I Did in 2009

1. I opened 2009 with full-blown pneumonia in my left lung.
2. My pneumonia was bad enough that I had to cancel the first week of class Winter Quarter and I had to go to the hospital.
3. I stayed overnight in the UW Medical Center. It was the first time ever that I’ve stayed in a hospital room.
4. I taught ENGL 207: Introduction to Cultural Studies: “Virtual Worlds and Video Games.
5. I made students play World of Warcraft for class.
6. I read and taught Shelley Jackson’s My Body for the first time. It’s is a wonderful, sexy, strange, and provocative text — worthy of a line of its own.
7. I suffered in the wake of the financial crisis, financial meltdown, and budgetary cuts of 2009. In particular, I witnessed Greg losing his job, I watched my department try to figure out what to do with less money than ever before, and I waited and waited to see if I would get funding for my 5th year of school.
8. I saw Slumdog Millionaire.
9. I got bronchitis after the pneumonia cleared up.
10. I welcomed the Year of the Ox.
11. I had my prospectus defense shortly after Chinese New Year.
12. I saw Fanboys.
13. I went to several meetings about the Department of English budget crisis and served as the English Graduate Student Organization liaison.
14. I saw Dean Spade give a talk on “Transgender Youth” at the UW School of Social Work.
15. I saw Push.
16. I went (with Greg) to a really good panel of professional graphic designers at the Cornish College of the Arts. The panel included Robynne Raye from Modern Dog.
17. I won a prize at the Jump Start panel at Cornish. It was an advertisement pack of air fresheners.
18. I saw Watchmen.
19. My video game class was featured in a story in the UW Daily: “Get Your Game On.”
20. I worried about my funding for school. A lot.
21. Greg and I took a short trip down to San Francisco in March. It was a spring break trip for me and a birthday trip for him. And it was to attend a conference.
22. I attended the Conference on College Composition and Communication (the 4Cs) as part of a panel I organized called “Save Points: Gaming as Writing, Production, and Play in the Contact Zone.” Alenda was part of the panel. And my friend Jamie was part of the panel.
23. I went to an crazy and awesome party during CCCC thrown by Bedford/St. Martin Press. The party was in San Francisco’s City Hall.
24. While in SF and staying at Hotel Triton, we were evacuated early in the morning due to a fire in the building. A first for me.
25. While visiting my sister, we took a road trip to Pescadero, CA.
26. I went to the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art.
27. I taught ENGL 242: Reading Fiction: “Not Your Average High School Novel Class: Re-Reading as Critical Practice.”
28. I taught CHID 496: Focus Group: “Heroes & Monsters: Understanding Live-Action Role-Playign Games.” In other words, I revived Archaea at the University of Washington.
29. I had PhDepression a lot.
30. Because of the PhDepression, I watched a lot of television, particularly Will & Grace on Lifetime.
31. I was awarded the UW Excellence in Teaching Award for 2009.
32. I attended organizational meetings for a new queer studies working group at the UW.
33. I attended organizational meetings for the Critical Gaming Project at UW.
34. I went to a talk by Karen Tongson called “Sound Migrations: Listening to the Suburbs.”
35. I went to the Queer Worlds Crossdisciplinary Research Cluster’s symposium “The Will to Institutionality” at UW.
36. I celebrated my 39th birthday. I had a modest EDstravaganza 2009. The them was “13 going on 39.”
37. I saw Star Trek. I really liked the remake and the reimagining of the original series.
38. I saw X-Men Origins: Wolverine.
39. I was written up in the departmental newsletter English Matters for my teaching award. 40. I went to my friend Matt Wilson’s PhD defense presentation.
41. I attended planning meetings for Summer LEAP 2009.
42. I revised and reorganized the Summer LEAP website.
43. I entered an online contest for Top Chef Masters and won a Top Chef Masters Premier B-Hive Party Pack.
44. I saw Up.
45. I had lunch (with Greg) at one of the handful of taco trucks in the Seattle area. We went to El Carreton (15001 Aurora Avenue, Shoreline, WA). It was yummy.
46. I attended the UW Best & Brightest 2009 award ceremony.
47. I was given a medal (my first one ever) and a framed certificate for my Excellence in Teaching Award. Oh, and a sizable award check, too. It was awesome.
48. I was asked to give a speech at the Department of English’s 2009 graduation ceremony. I was the first one to speak. It was a nerve-wracking five minutes, but I think I pulled it off.
49. I went to see RENT with Greg, Jason, and Karl at the Paramount Theatre.
50. I was awarded a full year of funding for my fifth year. A great relief.
51. I turned in a draft of my first dissertation chapter.
52. I started going to Greg’s gym once a week.
53. I went to Seattle Pride. I even got pulled into the pride parade to walk with the UW contingent. It was fun.
54. Greg and I took a day trip down to Olympia, WA.
55. While in Olympia, we visited the Capitol building.
56. While in Olympia, we went to the oldest gay bars in the city called Jake’s on 4th.
57. I attended my friend Sydney’s production of The Wiz: A Queer Multicultural Cabaret.
58. I taught ENGL 108: Writing Ready for Summer LEAP. The class used to be called GIS 140 but finally got an ENGL designation.
59. I saw Bruno.
60. I saw Food, Inc.. One of my favorite (yet disturbing) documentaries.
61. I saw Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.
62. I did very little work on my dissertation over the summer. Mainly, it was because I was waiting for feedback from my dissertation advisor. I did not know how I should proceed or if what I had turned in was on the right track. The PhDepression continued. 63. Greg and I crossed the year and a half mark. It was an important milestone. My relationship with him is still good. It’s the longest relationship I have had to date. I love him very much.
64. I adopted a cat named Pigeon from my friend Jamie.
65. I changed the color scheme of my website. Welcome the midnight indigo.
66. I was invited to do a podcast for On the Boards, a contemporary performing arts organization in Seattle. They wanted a podcast about video games and video game studies. It would be paired with a dance performance that involves video game technology.
67. I saw District 9, a really surprising and smart movie.
68. I helped submit a proposal to the Simpson Center for the Humanities at UW to fund a queer studies research cluster called Queer + Public + Performance. We got accepted but did not get all of the money we hoped for.
69. I started a blog for the Queer + Public + Performance.
70. I saw 9, which was directed by an old high school friend of mine.
71. I went to see the artists of MadArt: The Window Art Project in Madison Park. My friend Julia Freeman was part of the show.
72. I checked out a lot of books for my dissertation. Most of them sit nicely on my shelf in a neat little pile.
73. I started my fifth year as a grad student (though technically I’m counted as a 6th year since I came in with my MA).
74. I was nominated for and received a Humanities, Arts, Science, and Technology Advanced Collaboratory (HASTAC) Scholars fellowship.
75. I taught ENGL 281: Intermediate Expository Writing: “10 Things I Hate About Writing, Or, A Writers Bootcamp. It was my first time teaching the course, and it was an interesting experiment.
76. Along with my friend Timothy Welsh, we taught CHID 496: Focus Group: “Bioshock: Cyborg Morality and Posthuman Choice.”
77. I became thoroughly enamored with Glee.
78. I finally got a hold of, met with, and got some direction from my dissertation advisor. It was nearly four months since I had turned in my chapter draft. I was nearly out of my mind with stress and worry. I thought that he thought my draft was terrible, that he didn’t want to work with me anymore, that he didn’t know how to tell me he was going to quit my committee. But, he was just busy. I now have some feedback. Now I just have to figure out how to do the work, to sort out my ideas, and to write.
79. I read the first of the Twilight series. I really did not like it. In fact, it took me months to get through it. But I figured I needed to have some reference since my students are all crazy about it.
80. My roommate Jane got the recent installment of Robert Jordan’s Wheel of Time series, The Gathering Storm. It was finally released and is one of three “final” books of the series since Jordan passed away. I read it after she finished with it. It was entertaining and interesting to see how the ghost writer handled Jordan’s world. At least things happen in this novel!
81. Greg and I went to the Seattle March for Equality on National Coming Out Day.
82. I finished Book 30 of my (handwritten) journals, and I began Book 31.
83. Like last year, Greg and I got passes to the Seattle Lesbian & Gay Film Festival. We saw eight showings. It was exhausting but a lot of fun.
84. I continued to work on my dissertation, trying to reframe and revise my first chapter. Alas, to little avail.
85. Greg and I went to the Seattle Art Museum REMIX. It was a lot of fun.
86. I kept playing World of Warcraft. Greg had started the year playing with me but has since given up.
87. I revived the English Graduate Student Organization becoming one of the executive officers and helping to redesign the GSO website.
88. I spent entirely too much time on Facebook.
89. Greg and I went to a Halloween party thrown by friends of friends. It was fully of mostly bears and radical fairies. It was fun.
91. I spent entirely too much time playing Farmville on Facebook.
92. I cooked Thanksgiving dinner for Jane, myself, and Jane’s boyfriend, Chris.
93. I started a Tellings group in Seattle. Finally. The group consists of three friends from school: Mike, Curtis, and Rebecca. Two friends from Seattle: Josh and Andrea (though I knew them from my SF days). And Greg. It’s been a really awesome time so far.
94. I started planning the next revision of the Tellings book, which will hopefully be done sometime in the summer of 2010. It will be the 20th Anniversary edition of Tellings. To help me, I finally got the Tellings blog going.
95. I organized a GSO Autumn Social at the College Inn Pub. It went really well, and we even got some funding from the department.
96. Speaking of which, I drank a little too much in 2009. Probably.
97. Greg and I took a short trip down to SF for the Christmas holiday.
98. While in the Bay Area, I went to the top of Mount Tamalpais and visited Muir Beach.
99. I made Christmas Eve dinner at my sister’s place in Berkeley, CA.
100. I saw Avatar in 3D.
101. Greg and I celebrated our two year anniversary on New Year’s Eve night. We just stayed in. I made dinner. We drank a little champagned. And we watched a movie. It was a lovely way to end the year.

It’s too bad that the PhDepression never really got resolved or went away. I think even though I had a lot going on last year, the whole of the year was colored by the fact that I have this huge project looming over my head. Intellectually, emotionally, and physically, I have not been totally one hundred percent. But I am taking care of that. I am taking care of myself. I have to, obviously. So, I think things like getting my gaming group going and going to the gym and trying to just enjoy my time (even if it’s keeping me from my diss) are giving me energy back, giving me hope, and giving me a reason to keep going.

Here’s to a better year. Here’s to a great, productive, happy, awesome, exciting, interesting, successful, sexy, fun, and fascinating 2010. Happy new year!

MAY 5. I cannot be believe it’s already May. Half the year is almost over, and I feel like I just started getting into things. Or maybe I just feel like I’m always getting things started and never really getting anything done. Or maybe I just have too many things that need getting started and need getting done. Perhaps that’s really what is going on. And I can’t believe that my birthday has come around again. So quickly.Someone tell me how to put the brakes on this thing. Life. Work. Things. I have been preoccupied, overcommitted, and precociously procrastinating. And it’s stressing me out. A lot. So much so that being stressed out is stressing me out. A vicious cycle of a flavor and texture common only to grad school.

It’s not that things are “bad” per se. Actually, I thing most of the general day to day is fine and dandy. But the big things are big and scary and demand a great deal of psychic energy and stamina. Dissertation. Worried about not having a job next year. Getting older. Feeling stuck. The stress and worry about the big things have a magnifying and harmonic affect on the stress and worry about the little things, which taken on their own or in small, managable numbers are easy peasy. Teaching. Grading. Extracurricular projects. Friends. Relationship. Working out. Not eating like a jackass.

I just need a little time, a little grace, and a little divine intervention. Just to grease the gears a little and get things moving.

More later.

AS ALWAYS, there’s too much to talk about and nothing to talk about all at the same time. Life has been, well, life. Trundling along, babbling along, sometimes with me in the lead and sometimes dragging me behind it. Much of the past few weeks has been devoted getting the new quarter underway. The transition from winter quarter to spring quarter is always tough. There’s not enough down time, recovery time. We have a week — otherwise called spring break — between quarters. And as I have moaned and groaned about before, the quarter system is at times grueling. After two quarter facing a third quarter seems cruel and unusual punishment. But, such is life.

Spring break was spent mainly working on my two classes this quarter: ENGL 242 A: Reading Fiction: “Not Your Average High School Novel Class: Re-Reading as Critical Practice” and CHID 496 D: Focus Group: “Heroes & Monsters: Understanding Live-Action Role-Playing Games”.

I also spent a few days putting together an application for a Huckabay Teaching Fellowship. I proposed developing an “Introduction to Video Game Studies” course with a public humanities component. It would be nice to be able to put together a revision of my ENGL 207 A: Introduction to Cultural Studies class and then teach it next spring. Basically, if I get the fellowship, I will spend the upcoming winter quarter working on the class and the attached student symposium. Then, I hope to get enough funding from English or Comparative History of Ideas to actually run the class in the spring quarter.

School started at the end of March. I have a full class again. The course has a pretty interesting take on reading literature, I think. But it’s one of those classes that either will be really amazing or really painful depending on whether the students get on board. As I said to them on the first day, “If you feel like I will be murdering your childhood, don’t take this class.” We’re reading a lot of things that students have had either in high school or other classes or have some common sense knowledge about already. And given that these “classics” have a lot of traditional baggage attached to them, students might feel like the class is out to destroy what they know, what they think, and what they believe. Part of the requirements of the class is to read SparkNotes.com, to get a sense of the thematic, descriptive, literary “analysis” they are accustomed to, and to realize that talking about plot, character, theme, symbol, motif, and personal interpretation is insufficient and uncritical.

It’s only been a few weeks and I am already tired (but I think I was tired to begin with). I teach my literature class four days a week at 8:30 AM. Even though I am done at 9:30 AM and get to go home most days, I feel like the hour that I am “on” I use up all of my energy. I also have a “problem” student this quarter — a student who likes to be oppositional for the sake of being opposition, who likes to disagree with me and argue that there is a “proper” and “singular” way to read a text, and who tries to commandeer the discussion. It was distressing at first because I don’t want to shut anyone down. But I have taken to being a bit more directive and setting clearer boundaries, which seems to be working pretty well.

My focus group is interesting and I haven’t quite figured out what it’s going to be like. We only meet once a week and there was a lot of turnover the first week. The class is about live-action role-playing games and we will be playing Archaea. Most of the students have some experience with RPGs in general. Some of them have never played an RPG before, much less a LARP. We are starting with three films about the subject: Mazes and Monsters (1982), Monster Camp (2007), and Darkon (2006). I am excited, but there’s a lot of prep work to do: print rulebooks, making equipment, making costumes, and getting everyone ready to actually play. We will be playing on campus during our class’s meeting time. Hopefully, this will lead to getting an actual group up and going outside of school.

Otherwise, my own work is pretty much still stalled. My Facebook profile often reads “Ed has PhDepression.” I am trying to do little things to work up to bigger things. But I think the problem is that I’m just tired, burnt out, a little disheartened and dismayed by the prospects for my immediate future (after graduation), and overwhelmed by the enormity of what I have to produce (much less define in terms of who I am as a scholar). Granted, this paralysis and frustration and gnashing of teeth is not specific to me per se. It is very much what almost every grad student I know goes through. I am also under pressure to complete at least a chapter by the end of the term, which is like eight weeks away, to have top consideration for funding next year. It’s just a big ball of stress and worry, which generally makes me not want to work on it.

More later.

STILL TIRED. I think I say that a lot. And I think it’s my general state and the general state of most graduate students. It’s not that I don’t get enough sleep (though sometimes that’s the case), but rather it’s just that I constantly feel worn down. In other words, it’s called stress. It is a diffuse, lingering, shifting kind of stress, which weighs me down like a heavy blanket. I do have a lot to do and I do have various responsibilities that keep me busy, but it’s not like I have seminar papers due in two weeks or bill collectors breathing down my neck or impending, unresolved relationship drama to confront. For the most part, my life is good. My deadlines are farther off, fuzzy on the horizion. My bills are getting paid though I am worried about funding for next year. (In fact, I just got a credit report done and I am in great, great shape.) And my relationship with Greg has settled, is comfortable, and is a nice, warm, happy spot in my life, though you never really know what will happen or where things will go in a week, in a month, in six months, in a year.The biggest stressor is school.

On a micro level, teaching has been particularly challenging this quarter. I have some really good students who are bright, engaged, good writers, great participators in class discussion, and who seem like they like me and the class. However, I have a majority of students who I think feel a bit baited-and-switched because my class on video games wasn’t what they wanted or turned out to be what they expected (even though I was very clear about the goals and focus of the course from day one). They have faced rigor and difficulty and the demand for critical thinking with less grace and effort and enthusiasm than I had hoped. And I think rather than turning to me for help, than taking up the challenge, than getting something out of the class, they are simply shutting down. My first set of major papers four weeks ago were under par (but it makes sense since it’s the first time they have written for me). Alas, because they are required to do two out of three papers during the quarter, most chose not to do the first turn-in. The second set of papers were near abysmal. In fact, I got them this past Monday, started grading them, found them to be distressingly poor, and graded the whole stack (which took me nearly twelve hours) so I could return them to the class the very next day. I mean I got a paper that was only two pages (the requirement was 4-6), not researched (they had to have five academic sources), and ended in the middle of a paragraph. Really?! That’s what you’re going to turn in? I wanted to make sure I talked to them about it before it was too late. It has been a long time since I have had to use the voice of authority, to thrash a class with a scolding; I cowed them to the point that they couldn’t look me in the eyes till I was finished. However, the roll of the dice did not pay off and I think many have chosen the path of least resistance and simply given up. The students who are fine are fine. The students who ask for help will be fine. But the students who don’t do anything, give in to either apathy or inertia or fear, are going to be in serious trouble. Even though I know I cannot help everyone nor should I expect every student to respond and engage, it depresses me and pisses me off and stresses me out.

On a macro level, I am worried about the next year or two. I am unsure about the next year or two. And I am ambivalent about the next year or two. The national financial crises (we have to make sure we understand that this is plural not some singular problem or catastrophe that can be solved in one fell swoop or stimulus plan) has of course produced budget crises at the University of Washington, which has produced budget crises in my home department. (Of course, the humanities get hit the hardest or have to suffer the most in these final calculations.) What does this mean? What does this mean for me? There’s a whole list of things. Here are some salient things drawn from the last departmental meeting with grad students and the departmental chair (I took minutes at this meeting):

–we have little info, but any info will be made available as soon as possible; a lot is not yet known or decided; “uncertainty” is the word of the minute, hour, and day; much of this again depends on the State budget (Washington is deciding its next biennium state budget this year)

–preliminary permanent TA allocation for next year; 80% of total from last year; even at 80%, the money reaches far enough to fun all TAs through the 5th year (that we have)

–beyond the 5th year, things are still uncertain; much of this depends on the State budget (as decided by Olympia), which might be late this year

–course assignments will be trickier this year; this will sort out slowly

–the College is thinking about going to create a temporary TA budget; still unknown but some of that money would likely go to English

–Graduate Studies Committee / Faculty endorsed no more than 2 TA positions available for recruitment, for brand new people (down from the usual 10-12 offers); the money that we do have will go to students already in the program

–new TAs / 6th Year funding is still uncertain; “magnified” this year; question about insurance (if we’re not appointed, can we get insurance coverage); uncertain whether or not 6th year offers will be quarter-to-quarter or year-long appointments; historically 6th year funding is quarter to quarter

–the director of the Expository Writing Program says normally we would have 30-34 new TAs (recruits, fellowship grads, grads who have not yet TAed), but this year it looks like it will be about 15; which means that 2nd years will probably continue to teach ENGL 131 (the core comp class) rather than moving on to other kinds of classes

–the director of gradute studies says that the department is really committed to the people here; she discusses work critera (barring a windfall) approved by the faculty: in order to be considered for 6th year funding, you must have defended the dissertation prospectus AND your director of your dissertation must have approved 1 chapter of the dissertation (these decisions won’t be made until the very end of the spring quarter, so write!); heads up on the satisfactory progress benchmarks, you need to meet those benchmarks; 4th years really need to complete the exams (waivers are no longer going to mean much anymore); 2nd years need to complete the MA; this is a way to support as many people as possible with a clear criterion

–dissertation fellowships are not directly affected, pay out from the endowment; the endowment has gone down but it is cushioned; pay out for next year will not be cut as much as the departmental money; PhCs should pay attention to the things sent out from the graduate office via the PhC listserv for funding opportunities

–the chair projects that with the upcoming year, there will be a lot of students coming in and someone will need to teach them; granted money will probably come back into the system but it is uncertain where

The biggest problems are: first, not knowing much until the State decides its budget, which puts people like grad students in a bind because they have to plan for the summer or next year but have to wait to see if they get funding or not; and second, having to suddenly meet benchmarks in some cut-and-dry way, which means some grad students caught in limbo are going to suffer.

My guaranteed funding is up this school year. Next year will be my “sixth year” though it is my fifth year being here (I’m post Master’s), so I am in the category of “not knowing.” I hate it, actually. It was the intention of the department to extend guaranteed funding to sixth years. But the financial meltdown has obliterated that dream. I think I will be fine, but I hate not knowing I will be fine, particularly in matters of money. I really didn’t want to take out another year of loans. I really just want to finish my degree, teach another year, and get out on the market. I am going to apply for upcoming fellowships and such. I’d rather be teaching, though. But all funding opportunities are contingent on your place in the process, your satisfactory progress towards the degree. In other words, how much have you done and how much have you written?

I got through my dissertation prospectus defense and am now supposedly writing. I have started reading and researching (though barely), but I have not actually put pen to paper, hands to keyboard. I don’t even have a working file saved on my computer called “ed’s dissertation.doc” yet. The general dissertation funk is strong in me. It’s not unusual, quite normal actually. Most people simply get stuck, freaked out, depressed, paralyzed, or overwhelmed. I think I’m a little taste of each at the smorgasbord of grad student anxiety and insecurity. In part, I think I’m looking forward and seeing a pretty bleak future. I really wanted to finish this calendar year and try to go on the market this fall. But my committee is against it (unless I actually finish my dissertation). To think that I would be in grad school another two years is depressing to me. And then I have the woefully glutted and woefully sere job market to contend with and figure out. Too many PhDs, not enough positions. Why write my dissertation if it’s going to get me no where? Why start now if I know I have two years to go? Why bother if I can’t get funding to do my work much less to live and eat and sleep under a roof?

That’s where I am at. That’s where I’ll be for a while, I think. That’s what I have to work through.

Like I said, things are generally fine in the now. But down the road looks dodgy.

More soon.

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR! Happy Year of the Ox! (I was thinking earlier this morning that this politically correct move to calling Chinese New Year the Lunar New Year is both inaccurate and totalizing of all “Asian” or “lunar” cultures. After all, the Chinese lunar calendar is not the same as the Jewish lunar calendar is not the same as the Wiccan lunar calendar and so on. So, why with the bland multiculturalism of “Lunar New Year?” Well, we all probably know the answer to that one, kids.)  Barack Obama is an Ox — how fortuitious! Let’s just hope the year ahead will not be too challenging.

As for me, according to the Feng Shui Store, I am to expect a generally good year:

Being a Dog myself I am really looking forward to 2009 and overall it will be a good year with a few ups and downs, play your cards right and follow all the advice here along with the annual stars, the year 2009 should be good for wealth, career and general luck. Those Dogs born in 1934 and 1982 need to be careful in relationships especially if they are married, spend more time this year with your partner as your potential success for the year can cause you to overlook people that are important and this will cause you problems. Unmarried Dogs born in other years can expect new relationships and even rekindle existing ones. Your year will be busy but leave some time for play and make sure you take plenty of rest. Those Dogs born in 1958 (me) and 1970 will have a fantastic year and you can expect amazing opportunities in wealth and business. If you were born 1958 (me again) you must take time out to relax and watch what you eat.

Your busy lifestyle can cause you stomach problems this year so please be careful, I would place a brass Wu Lou beside your bed especially if it is located in the north or west. You should be careful signing contracts this year so make sure you read all the small print and do not let yourself be conned by someone sweet or fast talking.

With regards to wealth, business and career, 2009 can be a year of seeds you planted over the last few years which will now blossom, so please make the most of this year as the wind is behind you; this is particularly true for Dogs born in 1958. Do not think though that all this means you can just sit back and let the good times happen, hard work is still needed by you. Young Dogs born in 1994 will do well this year but they should ideally carry an image of a Rabbit for protection, as should all Dogs in 2009. This is a great year to reflect on your life and be honest with yourself, our true character is what we do when we think no one is looking, be true to yourself and help as many people as you can in 2009, you will get real rewards from this, read my words again, this could change your life and expect good changes in 2009, reputation is what the world thinks a person is; character is what they really are. Enjoy your year, it will be great.

According to Chinese Fortune Calendar:

Last year, Dog people should have a better Rat year than most of people. They should be satisfied for their achievement. Even their friends or relatives around should be proud of Dog people’s performance. In 2009, Dog people still have Lucky Stars coming, surrounding and supporting them. But the Unlucky Stars will come stronger than 2008. The fortune of Dog people in 2009 will inevitably fall down a little bit. However, Dog people have the character of loyalty, diligence, frank and honest. Therefore, they shouldn’t have too bad year in the year of the Cow.

Career: Year 2009, there are two Lucky Stars and two Unlucky Star related to career are coming into your life. The signs show the events of disagreement, argument, conflict or resentment will come and bring you trouble. Therefore, you have to pay attention on your words and deeds. You need to focus more on people relationship. As long as you keep your sincere attitude, hardworking spirit and perseverance character, then you should be able to overcome any obstacle, challenge, confrontation and difficulty from your job in 2009.

Money: One Lucky Star shows you have a good money luck in 2009. But your money luck is connected to the career luck. You have career opportunity in 2009, but the career luck is not stable. Autumn is a better time for your career luck, but not the Summer. As long as you can save your job position, then you should have the stable income. Remember that your money luck this year is not the easy money, you need to work hard to earn it.

Love: There is no Love Star or Happy Star coming for Dog people. But there is a Lonely Star appearing in 2009. That means your love relationship wont’ be smooth in the year of Cow. If you are a senior, then you have to pay attention on your spouse’s health. You need to take your spouse to visit doctor whenever he or she feels uncomfortable. If you are married, you might have more quarrel with your spouse this year. If you are in love, you might be lack of chemistry with your companion. If there is a third person involved, then your relationship will be in trouble. If you are still single, then you might have one or two love opportunities coming to you in the Cow year, but the relationship won’t last too long.

Health: Your job responsibility will increase in 2009. You will have more daily tasks in your position and you need more energy and spirit to handle those heavy job. The mental pressure will come together, then you won’t have a good sleeping rest. Next, you will be losing your health and have more chances to get sick. Also, the poor relationship in love will affect your emotion and let you feel depressed. This is purely psychological problem. If you can understand that this is not a long term obstacle and learn how to relax yourself, you should be able to solve this problem.

Fortune: Dog people have a fair luck in the year of Cow, since they have Lucky Stars supporting them and Unlucky stars disturbing them. That means you will have some good time and some hard time. Everything won’t be as smooth as you expect. But don’t use this as a excuse for frustration or despair. You just have to spend more time to reach your goal. To double your efforts today will let you become more competitive when the opportunity comes tomorrow. In the company, you should keep your profile low, stay away from people giving you trouble and do not have any argument with your enemy. In the money area, don’t be too greedy and do not have any risky investment. As long as focusing on your work, you will earn your return. For your love, you need more proactive in communication to build and maintain a solid relationship. For your health, you need to look for more time to rest, and then your health will improve.

I wonder if it matters that I am a Taurus in the Western zodiac? Xin nian kuai le, everyone!

WELCOME TO ANOTHER YEAR! Happy new year! It seems like 2008 went by really fast. Last year was a filled-to-the-brim year. A lot of things happened. A lot of things got accomplished. A lot of things are still waiting on the jury. Hopefully 2009 will be just as good, just a bright, just as productive, and just as fun plus one. Just a little bit more, please. And go lightly on the bad, the crap, the sad, the disappointing, the troubling, the bruises and the bumps, and the treating people badly (here and abroad).

101 Things I Did in 2008

1. I met Greg on New Year’s Eve. He let me kiss him at midnight.

2. After a couple of emails, Greg and I had our first official date. Dinner and a movie.

3. I saw The Savages (with Greg).

4. I did some last minute reading, cramming, and pre-writing for my PhD exams, including writing one whole essay a week ahead of time banking my committee would ask me that particular question.

5. I saw In the Name of the King.

6. I went to English Grad Pub the Thursday before my exams. I got well-wishes and just wanted to have an “everyday” night before I took my writtens.

7. I took my written PhD exams over the weekend of January 25-28.

8. I saw Juno.

9. I went to a little house party at Lindsay’s.

10. I saw Cloverfield.

11. I taught ENGL 242 E: “Literature as Worldmaking” during Winter quarter.

12. I passed my writtens.

13. I prepped for my oral exams.

14. I celebrated Chinese New Year, the Year of the Rat, but did not make dumplings.

15. I passed my orals on Valentine’s Day.

16. I had a Valentine’s Day date with Greg.

17. I saw The Spiderwick Chronicles.

18. I saw Jumper.

19. I went with Greg to a presentation of the documentary films It’s Elementary: Talking About Gay Issues in School (from 1996) and the 2007 follow-up It’s Still Elementary, which were presented by the Safe Schools Coalition.

20. I started to try to plot my dissertation prospectus.

21. I taught my ENGL 111: Critical Approaches to Harry Potter class again for the Spring Quarter.

22. I took a trip with Greg to San Francisco in late March. I wanted to visit my sister, take a little vacation, and hang out with Greg. It was a really great trip.

23. While in SF, Greg and I stayed at a fancy, boutique hotel called
Hotel Triton.

24. I visited the De Young Fine Arts Museum of San Francisco for the first time ever.

25. I went to the ocean while in SF. It is one of my most favorite things to do.

26. While visiting with my sister, she took Greg and I to explore and to wine-taste in Sonoma.

27. We went to the Roshambo winery.

28. We went to the Benziger winery.

29. We went to the Kunde winery.

30. I had a burrito from the Mission, from Taqueria Cancun. Yum.

31. Greg and I reached three months together.

32. I worked on an article on composition and computer games for Computers and Composition Online.

33. I attended a Queer Worlds lecture by Elizabeth Povinelli called “The Obligations of Intimacy.”

34. I was an officer for the English Department’s Graduate Student Organization.

35. I attended my friend Andrew’s annual kegger, where I created my first ever “chipscape.”

36. I saw Iron Man, which I liked a lot.

37. I helped launch the English GSO’s wiki on departmental procedures, information, and lore.

38. I turned 38.

Continue Reading »