[ edmondchang.com ]

RETURNED. It’s been over three long months since I have written anything here: I have been away. More mentally, emotionally, and intellectually than physically or geographically. It seems like a gulf of time between now and then, between the start of fall and the end of spring. I cannot believe that I left my site, my blog for so long. I think this is probably one of the longest hiatuses in the history of my site. I don’t know why it happened exactly. I know that it was partly due to the fact that I wanted to try migrating the site over to an actual blog platform like WordPress. (I didn’t like any of the templates. And I don’t really have the time or the energy to learn how to build a template.) But the majority of why I haven’t been writing is because I have been writing — anything — at all. Writing right now has been a bit of a curse. I feel like I’m more than just blocked. I’m all mixed up and paralyzed right now. My dissertation has come to a dead stall. And because I’m stuck there I’m stuck in all of my other creative, expressive endeavors. I suffer and so my blog suffers.Fortunately, some instinct for self-preservation and self-motivation and self-creation takes over after any extended period of “blah,” and I start nudging my way back into working, writing, growing, and changing. It’s still just a trickle. But some progress is better than nothing. It’s all about finding the rhythm, the routine agian. I hope that if I can get back on the horse with these personal projects, which are really low stakes, then I can find some confidence and energy for my academic and scholarly projects.

Here’s to a promising start: I decided that I will keep on keeping on with my site until I actually can find a blog platform that I am happy with. And in the spirit of starting fresh, I have updated the site’s color scheme. It’s bold, deep, sharp, and strangely in line with the mood of my current days. I like it. We’ll see how long it lasts. In the meantime, here’s a hasty recap of months missing:

MAY

I really can’t believe that it’s been so long since I last wrote. My last entries were back in May, back around my birthday. And then that was it. Radio silence. Suffice it to say a lot has happened since then. Again, some of the sudden hiatus can also be attributed to the fact that the end of last quarter was a really busy, really stressful time for me. I had a major deadline of turning in a draft of at least one of my dissertation chapters in order to meet the normative time deadline for funding. I am sure I went over this, but basically, I came into the program with four years of guaranteed funding. Normally, it is five but I came in with my master’s. And even though I have only been at UW four years, I am considered a “fifth year” because of my MA degree. Anyway, this past school year was my last year of funding. The upcoming year, as a “sixth year,” I would be put into a pool of those needing funding. Throw in the financial crisis, massive state budget cuts, and a dwindling appreciation for humanities programs and what you’ve got left is a lot of grad students scurrying and scrounging for money. So, to try to make things “fair,” the department installed normative time deadlines for completing certain degree milestones like taking exams, prospectus approval, and dissertation chapters. In order for me to be competative (something I hate needing to have to worry about), I needed to get a draft done at the very least.

JUNE

The quarter ended in the first week of June. I got my chapter draft in before the deadline. It’s a total mess and needs a lot of work. I literally cobbled together a bunch of different ideas, readings, pieces of past papers, and attempted to frame its wanton unruliness. I think there is some merit to what I wrote. I like some parts. I like some ideas. But it’s far from being a “done” chapter. I also wrapped up my high school novel class. I had some really good students, but overall, I think the class could have been a lot more engaging and interesting. Teaching literature at eight o’clock in the morning and trying to get kids to let go of their high school preconceptions and prejudices was difficult. I still had a good time. I still thought it was a good idea. And I got a lot out of the experience, which is success in my book.

The end of term also brought a cavalcade of university functions and obligations. I mean it wasn’t bad. Just busy and tiring. I was honored by the University for my Excellence in Teaching Award (here’s the official write-up). First, I attended a luncheon held by the school for teaching award recipients and members of the award committee. Then, I attended the actual university-wide recognition ceremony where I got a fancy framed certificate and a medal! If you want to see Provost Phyllis Wise give me my award, click here.

Finally, I was invited by the Department of English to speak at graduation. It was a great honor. At first I wasn’t going to do it, but my department chair thought I should. How can you say no to that? So, I got to dress up in regalia. I got to sit up on the stage with all of the professors. And I was the first guest speaker. I only had five minutes or so. So, I kept things really simple. The first part was sentimental: I told the students that they needed to make sure they continued to be curious about the world aroudn them. The second part was practical: I advised them that no matter what they wrote, no matter what job they had, they had to read everything out loud. Then I proceeded to tell my number one best student error story. I had a student once who wrote a paper about the disposal of nuclear waste in the US, whether it should be disposed of in a centralized facility or remain decentralized. There was a quote in their paper that was supposed to read: “Nuclear waste spread across the US is like dirty socks strewn about a bachelor’s apartment.” Unfortunately, what they actually typed was: “Nuclear waste spread across the US is like dirty cocks strewn about a bachelor’s apartment” (my emphasis). This got a lot of uncomfortable laughs. But I immediately followed up with: “I wrote in the margins, ‘OH, MY GOD!’” And that got them laughing. All in all, it was a success. People kept coming up to me afterward saying how much they enjoyed my speech. (There was report of one complaint from a parent who did not find the story appropriate for public.) It was one of the hardest things I’ve done — and I’m usually comfortable speaking in front of audiences — mainly because it was in front of like a thousand people and I didn’t want to fuck up people’s graduation experiences.

JULY

The bulk of July was spent prepping for and teaching ENGL 108 for Summer LEAP, a live-learn transition program for incoming freshmen athletes. I’ve been with the program for several years. This was my second year teaching, co-teaching with my friend and roommate, Jane. And like previous years, it is really fun, really tiring, and really challenging. I always have a blast; I always feel like I’m learning how to be a better teacher. And I really like working with this particular population of students. The four weeks were intense and intensive. We taught every day. We usually had grading every night. And on Fridays, we would take the students on field trips into the city. It’s pretty much all I did for the entire month.

AUGUST

Much of August was spent recovering from July. Much of August was spent trying to get back into dissertation mode. And much of August was spent just wallowing, stressing out, trying to not let the “PhDepression” wipe me out completely.

To be fair, my life and my world are generally pretty good: I have had a very full and productive (in different ways) summer, I am in a great relationship with Greg, my social life is generally cool (I think in part because I really don’t worry about it as much as I used to), I got to visit with my sister a little when she came up for a visit, I am still doing my best to exercise and eat well, I am still playing World of Warcraft, and I adopted a cat.

Pigeon is technically my friend Jamie’s cat. Jamie needed to find a new home for Pigeon. So, Jane and I decided that we’d foster her (indefinitely). She’s a very sweet, very playful, very vocal, and sometimes very needy little furball. But she’s added some life and energy to the apartment. And she’s offers companionship and comfort to both of us.

So, the general state of things is fine. But, alas, as with most things when it comes to graduate school, the dissertation has really got me down. Like I said, though, I’ll figure it out. I mean I want to quit every single day. I keep thinking that there’s got to be better things to do, easier things to do. I am half-tempted to just find a fun job and live out my life. But I know that I really do want to finish the degree, close this chapter, and hopefully make it as a professor. I am hoping that the school year will give me some structure back to my hours, days, and weeks. It’s really nice to have all of this “free” time, but I tend to just feel anxious, feel guilty that I’m not producing, or just feel disappointed and depressed. So, with the new school year, I’ll have things to work around, things to distract me, things to cheer me up. I hope.

That’s it in a nutshell. More soon. I promise.

STILL TIRED. I think I say that a lot. And I think it’s my general state and the general state of most graduate students. It’s not that I don’t get enough sleep (though sometimes that’s the case), but rather it’s just that I constantly feel worn down. In other words, it’s called stress. It is a diffuse, lingering, shifting kind of stress, which weighs me down like a heavy blanket. I do have a lot to do and I do have various responsibilities that keep me busy, but it’s not like I have seminar papers due in two weeks or bill collectors breathing down my neck or impending, unresolved relationship drama to confront. For the most part, my life is good. My deadlines are farther off, fuzzy on the horizion. My bills are getting paid though I am worried about funding for next year. (In fact, I just got a credit report done and I am in great, great shape.) And my relationship with Greg has settled, is comfortable, and is a nice, warm, happy spot in my life, though you never really know what will happen or where things will go in a week, in a month, in six months, in a year.The biggest stressor is school.

On a micro level, teaching has been particularly challenging this quarter. I have some really good students who are bright, engaged, good writers, great participators in class discussion, and who seem like they like me and the class. However, I have a majority of students who I think feel a bit baited-and-switched because my class on video games wasn’t what they wanted or turned out to be what they expected (even though I was very clear about the goals and focus of the course from day one). They have faced rigor and difficulty and the demand for critical thinking with less grace and effort and enthusiasm than I had hoped. And I think rather than turning to me for help, than taking up the challenge, than getting something out of the class, they are simply shutting down. My first set of major papers four weeks ago were under par (but it makes sense since it’s the first time they have written for me). Alas, because they are required to do two out of three papers during the quarter, most chose not to do the first turn-in. The second set of papers were near abysmal. In fact, I got them this past Monday, started grading them, found them to be distressingly poor, and graded the whole stack (which took me nearly twelve hours) so I could return them to the class the very next day. I mean I got a paper that was only two pages (the requirement was 4-6), not researched (they had to have five academic sources), and ended in the middle of a paragraph. Really?! That’s what you’re going to turn in? I wanted to make sure I talked to them about it before it was too late. It has been a long time since I have had to use the voice of authority, to thrash a class with a scolding; I cowed them to the point that they couldn’t look me in the eyes till I was finished. However, the roll of the dice did not pay off and I think many have chosen the path of least resistance and simply given up. The students who are fine are fine. The students who ask for help will be fine. But the students who don’t do anything, give in to either apathy or inertia or fear, are going to be in serious trouble. Even though I know I cannot help everyone nor should I expect every student to respond and engage, it depresses me and pisses me off and stresses me out.

On a macro level, I am worried about the next year or two. I am unsure about the next year or two. And I am ambivalent about the next year or two. The national financial crises (we have to make sure we understand that this is plural not some singular problem or catastrophe that can be solved in one fell swoop or stimulus plan) has of course produced budget crises at the University of Washington, which has produced budget crises in my home department. (Of course, the humanities get hit the hardest or have to suffer the most in these final calculations.) What does this mean? What does this mean for me? There’s a whole list of things. Here are some salient things drawn from the last departmental meeting with grad students and the departmental chair (I took minutes at this meeting):

–we have little info, but any info will be made available as soon as possible; a lot is not yet known or decided; “uncertainty” is the word of the minute, hour, and day; much of this again depends on the State budget (Washington is deciding its next biennium state budget this year)

–preliminary permanent TA allocation for next year; 80% of total from last year; even at 80%, the money reaches far enough to fun all TAs through the 5th year (that we have)

–beyond the 5th year, things are still uncertain; much of this depends on the State budget (as decided by Olympia), which might be late this year

–course assignments will be trickier this year; this will sort out slowly

–the College is thinking about going to create a temporary TA budget; still unknown but some of that money would likely go to English

–Graduate Studies Committee / Faculty endorsed no more than 2 TA positions available for recruitment, for brand new people (down from the usual 10-12 offers); the money that we do have will go to students already in the program

–new TAs / 6th Year funding is still uncertain; “magnified” this year; question about insurance (if we’re not appointed, can we get insurance coverage); uncertain whether or not 6th year offers will be quarter-to-quarter or year-long appointments; historically 6th year funding is quarter to quarter

–the director of the Expository Writing Program says normally we would have 30-34 new TAs (recruits, fellowship grads, grads who have not yet TAed), but this year it looks like it will be about 15; which means that 2nd years will probably continue to teach ENGL 131 (the core comp class) rather than moving on to other kinds of classes

–the director of gradute studies says that the department is really committed to the people here; she discusses work critera (barring a windfall) approved by the faculty: in order to be considered for 6th year funding, you must have defended the dissertation prospectus AND your director of your dissertation must have approved 1 chapter of the dissertation (these decisions won’t be made until the very end of the spring quarter, so write!); heads up on the satisfactory progress benchmarks, you need to meet those benchmarks; 4th years really need to complete the exams (waivers are no longer going to mean much anymore); 2nd years need to complete the MA; this is a way to support as many people as possible with a clear criterion

–dissertation fellowships are not directly affected, pay out from the endowment; the endowment has gone down but it is cushioned; pay out for next year will not be cut as much as the departmental money; PhCs should pay attention to the things sent out from the graduate office via the PhC listserv for funding opportunities

–the chair projects that with the upcoming year, there will be a lot of students coming in and someone will need to teach them; granted money will probably come back into the system but it is uncertain where

The biggest problems are: first, not knowing much until the State decides its budget, which puts people like grad students in a bind because they have to plan for the summer or next year but have to wait to see if they get funding or not; and second, having to suddenly meet benchmarks in some cut-and-dry way, which means some grad students caught in limbo are going to suffer.

My guaranteed funding is up this school year. Next year will be my “sixth year” though it is my fifth year being here (I’m post Master’s), so I am in the category of “not knowing.” I hate it, actually. It was the intention of the department to extend guaranteed funding to sixth years. But the financial meltdown has obliterated that dream. I think I will be fine, but I hate not knowing I will be fine, particularly in matters of money. I really didn’t want to take out another year of loans. I really just want to finish my degree, teach another year, and get out on the market. I am going to apply for upcoming fellowships and such. I’d rather be teaching, though. But all funding opportunities are contingent on your place in the process, your satisfactory progress towards the degree. In other words, how much have you done and how much have you written?

I got through my dissertation prospectus defense and am now supposedly writing. I have started reading and researching (though barely), but I have not actually put pen to paper, hands to keyboard. I don’t even have a working file saved on my computer called “ed’s dissertation.doc” yet. The general dissertation funk is strong in me. It’s not unusual, quite normal actually. Most people simply get stuck, freaked out, depressed, paralyzed, or overwhelmed. I think I’m a little taste of each at the smorgasbord of grad student anxiety and insecurity. In part, I think I’m looking forward and seeing a pretty bleak future. I really wanted to finish this calendar year and try to go on the market this fall. But my committee is against it (unless I actually finish my dissertation). To think that I would be in grad school another two years is depressing to me. And then I have the woefully glutted and woefully sere job market to contend with and figure out. Too many PhDs, not enough positions. Why write my dissertation if it’s going to get me no where? Why start now if I know I have two years to go? Why bother if I can’t get funding to do my work much less to live and eat and sleep under a roof?

That’s where I am at. That’s where I’ll be for a while, I think. That’s what I have to work through.

Like I said, things are generally fine in the now. But down the road looks dodgy.

More soon.