[ edmondchang.com ]

JANUARY IS ALMOST DONE. Where has the time gone? I cannot believe that we’re already a month into the new year. My awareness of the the passage of time seems heightened these days. It’s because of the dissertation. Or more accurately because of the fact that I have not done enough work on the dissertation. Every day that goes by, every week that goes by, and every month that goes by is a reminder of how much time I have wasted, how much time I have let slip through my hands, and how much time I have been stuck in my process. It has been over a quarter since my meeting with my dissertation advisor. I have done some reading hear and there. I have done some free writing here and there. But when it comes to any kind of substantive, structured, even-near-well-articulated writing, I have little to show for the last three or four months. It’s disheartening, even as I understand that this is all part of the process.

I know that everything that I have been doing, even the down time, is all part of the preparation for the next chapter, the next steps, and finishing. It’s all up in my head. And it’s swishing around. And there are moments, mere glimpses, usually when I’m doing nothing in particular — like washing the dishes or riding the bus home — where I see an idea coming together. But it’s nascent. And I really have nothing to put down on paper, although I might try. So, I sense that work is being done one some subconscious, unconscious level. I hope from simplicity comes complexity. The writing will emerge like Athena from my brow. That is not to say, of course, that I am just going to wait around for it to happen. I keep fiddling, I keep scribbling, I keep reading, and I keep agonizing. (Alas, it’s much more of the latter than the former these days.)

It doesn’t help that the past few weeks have been unusually full and volatile. A lot has been happening — fortunately not to me directly — but to people around me, people close to me. Jane, my roomie and fellow dissertating grad, suffered two tragedies in a row (her best friend’s mother passed away and her beloved dog Thor died, both quite suddenly). It’s been an tough few weeks for Jane and for me. Then my friend Rebecca’s favorite riding horse, the one she learned to ride on as a child, died. Then my friend Jason’s father passed away. It’s been an incredible confluence of extremely high emotions for all involved.

Life has just been busy, full of the odds and ends that seem small and manageable on their own but when grossed together make troubling logjams in the flow if things. For example, I usually have Monday, Wednesday, and Friday off this quarter. I only have to be on campus on Tuesday and Thursday during the week. But I have had to go in on my off days to help cover Jane or Jason’s classes. Or I have a meeting for one group or another. Or I have to take care of some detail like returning a recalled library book or dropping off a letter of recommendation to a student. In of themselves, they don’t take up a lot of time. But combined with my daily duties of teaching and life, the hours just get whittled and whiled away.

To be honest, I have whittled and whiled time away doing nothing but procrastinating, too. Procrastination is the number one coping mechanism for PhDepression. Some of that procrastination takes the form of other kinds of work — like working on teaching stuff or cleaning up the apartment or trying to have a life — but some of that procrastination is simply time to turn the brain off (or try to anyway) and just be. I have watched a lot of television. It doesn’t help that Jane is also going through the same kinds of PhDepression pains. We simply park ourselves in front of the TV and just let the day go. Lately, the LOGO channel has been showing random episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It’s a decidely happy distraction. I am tempted to buy the whole series on DVD so we can watch it from beginning to end.

Some of the “fun” time has been really helpful and even therapeutic. I have managed to put together a Tellings gaming group. I have six players gathered from school and friends, a mixture of new and old, and it seems to be going well. My friend Josh, who played with me when I lived in San Francisco, and his friend Andrea are playing. My friend Curtis and new friend Michael from grad school are playing. My former student Rebecca, who has taken four classes with me including my tabletop RPG and LARP classes, is playing. And, lastly, Greg, my partner, is playing. We have been playing for a couple of months now, and I am happy. In fact, Curtis has mentioned to me that I seem happier and more outgoing. I knew that gaming was an important outlet for me for my creativity, imagination, and extroversion. It’s sad that it’s taken me nearly five years to get a group going here. But better late than never.

Overall, the same formula has been holding true: life = pretty good / dissertation = death. Hopefully, the next month will be better in both regards. More soon.

FIRST OF ALL, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY FRIEND JEFF!  I hope he is well and has a great day. Second of all, Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. Day! And third of all, Happy Inauguration Eve!  (I’m sure the poetics of the inauguration of Barack Obama falling so close to MLK Day will not be lost, even though such logics bespeak of certain racialized — if not racist — hopes and desires and guilt.  But, let me be positive and “yes we can”-y for now.)

In other important, national news, it’s been about a week since I finished my course of antibiotics.  Moxifloxicin.  What a great name. I think I should name my next cat Moxiflox or Moxifloxi.  I definitely feel better.  I no longer feel like I’ve been dragged through the sewers.  Fever is gone.  Aches are gone.  General well-being is up.  Energy is returning.  But, I am still resting and recovering and healing. I still have a little bit of a cough, which thanks to an inhaler is lessening each day.  And I still can’t really exert myself too much.  I get tired fast and out of breath fast still.

I went back to work last week.  I taught Monday through Thursday.  It’s been really good to go back to my routine and back into the classroom.  I was feeling bad for having to cancel the first week of classes.  And I was worried that we wouldn’t be able to get caught up. But things are moving along swimmingly. I think we’re back on track.  Though, I must admit that I have never taught this class before, and I am learning as much as my students are about how to structure things, about the readings and the game texts, and about what it means to study, do, use, analyze, and understand “cultural studies.”  I’ve framed my class with the idea that we’ll look at certain cultural studies terms, ideas, interventions, and keywords as we dive into “virtual world” and “video game” texts. In other words, the games we play and the texts we explore become the occasions for thinking about cultural studies perspectives and methodologies. But the class is set up so that we’re thinking about the texts first, then linking them up to the cultural studies second.  It’s inductive, but I think productive.

The first part of last week, I just went in to school (early since I go in with Jane, who teaches at 8:30 AM, and I teach at 9:30 AM), taught, and then went home. Walking across campus was more tiring than I expected.  On Thursday of last week, I decided to see if I could do a full day.  I went in, taught, had office hours, had lunch, hung out, had collegial hours in the afternoon, then went to pub. By the end of the day, I was exhausted.  There is something qualitatively different about sitting at home and resting (or “doing nothing”) and sitting in my office or on campus resting and “doing nothing.”  I think it’s because at school I am always “on” and talking to students, talking to people, watching my behavior, doing work, thinking about work, being extroverted, and such.

Thursday was also an emotional day because Greg got laid off from work.  I was on chat around lunch time, and he told me that he had just lost his job. He called me shortly thereafter to tell me what happened.  Basically, his company was downsizing.  In his workgroup, he and one another senior person got laid off.  It’s all about saving money, right?  Why pay a senior employee’s salary when you can pay someone much less to do the same job? I think it was a shock to him (though he had a feeling the week before about it).  It was definitely a shock to me. I thought he was safe given that he worked on key projects and applications for his company. I could tell he was shaken. He’s in good shape, though. He’s got a generous severance package, and his company is bending over backwards to make the “transition” a good one. Of course, this doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck to get dumped. Greg met up with me at the pub.  We talked. He talked. He commiserated. He vented. I think it was good for him to get out.  And I think this can be a good opportunity for him if he’s creative, proactive, graceful, and patient.  He needs to not take it personally, though.  He’ll be okay.  He’ll be more than okay. Besides, he’s got good friends, good contacts, lots of experience, family, and me.

The rest of the weekend was pretty much spent just hanging out, decompressing, and doing more of the “resting” thing. Friday night, one of Greg’s (former) coworkers had a little gathering at her fancy house on the coast of western Magnolia.  It was way out there. The party was “German sausage” themed.  Basically, they served different sausages, sauerkraut, pretzels, and German beer and sweets.  I brought the fixings for my almost world famous “ginger cape cods,” which I should name “Tina Louises” or “Ginger Grants.”  The party was okay. I was really tired.  And I really didn’t know anyone there.  Plus it was mostly “grown up” types, I guess, consisting of couples and professional world people and such. Even though most of these people are in my age group, I don’t feel like I am in their circles and leagues. I’m fine with that, actually, but it makes for awkward conversations. I had a nice time and am glad that I can hang out with Greg and his friends. But afterward it was nice to go home, be quiet, and sleep.

Greg got World of Warcraft as a holiday present from his mom.  So, he’s been slowly learning how to play the game.  We spent the weekend playing together.  He made a Draenei warrior named Missoula.  I made a Draenei shaman named Ocoro.  In just a few days, we’ve hit level 12.  He’s still getting used to everything.  There’s a lot to take in in WoW and a lot to learn how to do.  But it’s been fun, diverting, and distracting.  I think I get a little bossy, though, because much of the game is second nature to me.  It’s been a really long time since I’ve met a completely new player to WoW.  But Greg’s bright and just by playing around he’ll get it in no time.  Interestingly, I bet a number of my students taking my class will also be WoW newbies, and I’ll have to try to find ways to ease them into the game. I think, though, that part of the challenge of learning a game is part of the fun (or can be part of the fun, I should say).

Saturday was spent mostly hanging out and playing WoW.  Then we went to see Slumdog Millionaire, which was good but a little rougher than I expected. I also expect the current hype surrounding the movie might do well to be filtered through a little bit of Edward Said.  Moreover, the “feel good movie”- and “triumph of the human spirit”-ness of the film does little to stray from conventional narratives about rugged individualism, the “American Dream” or better yet the “Capitalist Dream,” and idealized romantic love.  That said, I think there are things about the film that are brilliant.  I particularly like the actors of the first third of the film; the kids are amazing.  The images of the city are staggering and dense.  And I love the music, particularly M.I.A.’s “Paper Planes” remix and A. R. Rahman’s “Jai Ho” used in the closing credits. I would have liked a little more commentary on issues like class, race, religion, and such. But I very much liked it and recommend it.

Sunday was spent hanging out some more. Greg and I did head up to Alderwood to check out the Circuit City ”going out of business” sale — which alas was not really a sale and the quality of the store seriously bespoke of why the company was bell up. I did pick up a few things, but for the most part the sale prices couldn’t beat Amazon’s regular prices or Best Buy’s prices or even Target’s everyday prices. After Circuit “Shitty,” we hit up our favorite gay-for-pay store, Target.  We went there mostly for household sundries, but I did manage to pick up a couple of really good deals on an orange hoodie, a shirt, and a vest (though I think I’m going to have to take the vest back because everyone says it makes me look like I’m trying to be a gangster).  The rest of Sunday was spent WoWing.

Now, it’s Monday.  A day off.  And I’m trying to get caught up with some little projects here and there.  That’s about it.  Hopefully, it’ll be a good week and a good rest of the month.  Chinese New Year is next Monday.  I hope for a better new year than the one I just had.  More soon.