[ edmondchang.com ]

JANUARY IS ALMOST DONE. Where has the time gone? I cannot believe that we’re already a month into the new year. My awareness of the the passage of time seems heightened these days. It’s because of the dissertation. Or more accurately because of the fact that I have not done enough work on the dissertation. Every day that goes by, every week that goes by, and every month that goes by is a reminder of how much time I have wasted, how much time I have let slip through my hands, and how much time I have been stuck in my process. It has been over a quarter since my meeting with my dissertation advisor. I have done some reading hear and there. I have done some free writing here and there. But when it comes to any kind of substantive, structured, even-near-well-articulated writing, I have little to show for the last three or four months. It’s disheartening, even as I understand that this is all part of the process.

I know that everything that I have been doing, even the down time, is all part of the preparation for the next chapter, the next steps, and finishing. It’s all up in my head. And it’s swishing around. And there are moments, mere glimpses, usually when I’m doing nothing in particular — like washing the dishes or riding the bus home — where I see an idea coming together. But it’s nascent. And I really have nothing to put down on paper, although I might try. So, I sense that work is being done one some subconscious, unconscious level. I hope from simplicity comes complexity. The writing will emerge like Athena from my brow. That is not to say, of course, that I am just going to wait around for it to happen. I keep fiddling, I keep scribbling, I keep reading, and I keep agonizing. (Alas, it’s much more of the latter than the former these days.)

It doesn’t help that the past few weeks have been unusually full and volatile. A lot has been happening — fortunately not to me directly — but to people around me, people close to me. Jane, my roomie and fellow dissertating grad, suffered two tragedies in a row (her best friend’s mother passed away and her beloved dog Thor died, both quite suddenly). It’s been an tough few weeks for Jane and for me. Then my friend Rebecca’s favorite riding horse, the one she learned to ride on as a child, died. Then my friend Jason’s father passed away. It’s been an incredible confluence of extremely high emotions for all involved.

Life has just been busy, full of the odds and ends that seem small and manageable on their own but when grossed together make troubling logjams in the flow if things. For example, I usually have Monday, Wednesday, and Friday off this quarter. I only have to be on campus on Tuesday and Thursday during the week. But I have had to go in on my off days to help cover Jane or Jason’s classes. Or I have a meeting for one group or another. Or I have to take care of some detail like returning a recalled library book or dropping off a letter of recommendation to a student. In of themselves, they don’t take up a lot of time. But combined with my daily duties of teaching and life, the hours just get whittled and whiled away.

To be honest, I have whittled and whiled time away doing nothing but procrastinating, too. Procrastination is the number one coping mechanism for PhDepression. Some of that procrastination takes the form of other kinds of work — like working on teaching stuff or cleaning up the apartment or trying to have a life — but some of that procrastination is simply time to turn the brain off (or try to anyway) and just be. I have watched a lot of television. It doesn’t help that Jane is also going through the same kinds of PhDepression pains. We simply park ourselves in front of the TV and just let the day go. Lately, the LOGO channel has been showing random episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It’s a decidely happy distraction. I am tempted to buy the whole series on DVD so we can watch it from beginning to end.

Some of the “fun” time has been really helpful and even therapeutic. I have managed to put together a Tellings gaming group. I have six players gathered from school and friends, a mixture of new and old, and it seems to be going well. My friend Josh, who played with me when I lived in San Francisco, and his friend Andrea are playing. My friend Curtis and new friend Michael from grad school are playing. My former student Rebecca, who has taken four classes with me including my tabletop RPG and LARP classes, is playing. And, lastly, Greg, my partner, is playing. We have been playing for a couple of months now, and I am happy. In fact, Curtis has mentioned to me that I seem happier and more outgoing. I knew that gaming was an important outlet for me for my creativity, imagination, and extroversion. It’s sad that it’s taken me nearly five years to get a group going here. But better late than never.

Overall, the same formula has been holding true: life = pretty good / dissertation = death. Hopefully, the next month will be better in both regards. More soon.

IT’S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN. A new year cometh. An old year goeth. It’s amazing to me how fast time just goes hustling by. It seems like so much has happened in the past year. And it seems like I have gotten very little done. Mainly, I think because much of my measure of time is based on school, on teaching, and on the progress (or lack thereof) of my dissertation, time seems to move by quickly but relatively homogenously. It all seems the same. Day in, day out. But, as with years past, a little reflection will help me see that a lot has transpired, a lot has changed, and I have changed. Let there be a list!

101 Things I Did in 2009

1. I opened 2009 with full-blown pneumonia in my left lung.
2. My pneumonia was bad enough that I had to cancel the first week of class Winter Quarter and I had to go to the hospital.
3. I stayed overnight in the UW Medical Center. It was the first time ever that I’ve stayed in a hospital room.
4. I taught ENGL 207: Introduction to Cultural Studies: “Virtual Worlds and Video Games.
5. I made students play World of Warcraft for class.
6. I read and taught Shelley Jackson’s My Body for the first time. It’s is a wonderful, sexy, strange, and provocative text — worthy of a line of its own.
7. I suffered in the wake of the financial crisis, financial meltdown, and budgetary cuts of 2009. In particular, I witnessed Greg losing his job, I watched my department try to figure out what to do with less money than ever before, and I waited and waited to see if I would get funding for my 5th year of school.
8. I saw Slumdog Millionaire.
9. I got bronchitis after the pneumonia cleared up.
10. I welcomed the Year of the Ox.
11. I had my prospectus defense shortly after Chinese New Year.
12. I saw Fanboys.
13. I went to several meetings about the Department of English budget crisis and served as the English Graduate Student Organization liaison.
14. I saw Dean Spade give a talk on “Transgender Youth” at the UW School of Social Work.
15. I saw Push.
16. I went (with Greg) to a really good panel of professional graphic designers at the Cornish College of the Arts. The panel included Robynne Raye from Modern Dog.
17. I won a prize at the Jump Start panel at Cornish. It was an advertisement pack of air fresheners.
18. I saw Watchmen.
19. My video game class was featured in a story in the UW Daily: “Get Your Game On.”
20. I worried about my funding for school. A lot.
21. Greg and I took a short trip down to San Francisco in March. It was a spring break trip for me and a birthday trip for him. And it was to attend a conference.
22. I attended the Conference on College Composition and Communication (the 4Cs) as part of a panel I organized called “Save Points: Gaming as Writing, Production, and Play in the Contact Zone.” Alenda was part of the panel. And my friend Jamie was part of the panel.
23. I went to an crazy and awesome party during CCCC thrown by Bedford/St. Martin Press. The party was in San Francisco’s City Hall.
24. While in SF and staying at Hotel Triton, we were evacuated early in the morning due to a fire in the building. A first for me.
25. While visiting my sister, we took a road trip to Pescadero, CA.
26. I went to the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art.
27. I taught ENGL 242: Reading Fiction: “Not Your Average High School Novel Class: Re-Reading as Critical Practice.”
28. I taught CHID 496: Focus Group: “Heroes & Monsters: Understanding Live-Action Role-Playign Games.” In other words, I revived Archaea at the University of Washington.
29. I had PhDepression a lot.
30. Because of the PhDepression, I watched a lot of television, particularly Will & Grace on Lifetime.
31. I was awarded the UW Excellence in Teaching Award for 2009.
32. I attended organizational meetings for a new queer studies working group at the UW.
33. I attended organizational meetings for the Critical Gaming Project at UW.
34. I went to a talk by Karen Tongson called “Sound Migrations: Listening to the Suburbs.”
35. I went to the Queer Worlds Crossdisciplinary Research Cluster’s symposium “The Will to Institutionality” at UW.
36. I celebrated my 39th birthday. I had a modest EDstravaganza 2009. The them was “13 going on 39.”
37. I saw Star Trek. I really liked the remake and the reimagining of the original series.
38. I saw X-Men Origins: Wolverine.
39. I was written up in the departmental newsletter English Matters for my teaching award. 40. I went to my friend Matt Wilson’s PhD defense presentation.
41. I attended planning meetings for Summer LEAP 2009.
42. I revised and reorganized the Summer LEAP website.
43. I entered an online contest for Top Chef Masters and won a Top Chef Masters Premier B-Hive Party Pack.
44. I saw Up.
45. I had lunch (with Greg) at one of the handful of taco trucks in the Seattle area. We went to El Carreton (15001 Aurora Avenue, Shoreline, WA). It was yummy.
46. I attended the UW Best & Brightest 2009 award ceremony.
47. I was given a medal (my first one ever) and a framed certificate for my Excellence in Teaching Award. Oh, and a sizable award check, too. It was awesome.
48. I was asked to give a speech at the Department of English’s 2009 graduation ceremony. I was the first one to speak. It was a nerve-wracking five minutes, but I think I pulled it off.
49. I went to see RENT with Greg, Jason, and Karl at the Paramount Theatre.
50. I was awarded a full year of funding for my fifth year. A great relief.
51. I turned in a draft of my first dissertation chapter.
52. I started going to Greg’s gym once a week.
53. I went to Seattle Pride. I even got pulled into the pride parade to walk with the UW contingent. It was fun.
54. Greg and I took a day trip down to Olympia, WA.
55. While in Olympia, we visited the Capitol building.
56. While in Olympia, we went to the oldest gay bars in the city called Jake’s on 4th.
57. I attended my friend Sydney’s production of The Wiz: A Queer Multicultural Cabaret.
58. I taught ENGL 108: Writing Ready for Summer LEAP. The class used to be called GIS 140 but finally got an ENGL designation.
59. I saw Bruno.
60. I saw Food, Inc.. One of my favorite (yet disturbing) documentaries.
61. I saw Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.
62. I did very little work on my dissertation over the summer. Mainly, it was because I was waiting for feedback from my dissertation advisor. I did not know how I should proceed or if what I had turned in was on the right track. The PhDepression continued. 63. Greg and I crossed the year and a half mark. It was an important milestone. My relationship with him is still good. It’s the longest relationship I have had to date. I love him very much.
64. I adopted a cat named Pigeon from my friend Jamie.
65. I changed the color scheme of my website. Welcome the midnight indigo.
66. I was invited to do a podcast for On the Boards, a contemporary performing arts organization in Seattle. They wanted a podcast about video games and video game studies. It would be paired with a dance performance that involves video game technology.
67. I saw District 9, a really surprising and smart movie.
68. I helped submit a proposal to the Simpson Center for the Humanities at UW to fund a queer studies research cluster called Queer + Public + Performance. We got accepted but did not get all of the money we hoped for.
69. I started a blog for the Queer + Public + Performance.
70. I saw 9, which was directed by an old high school friend of mine.
71. I went to see the artists of MadArt: The Window Art Project in Madison Park. My friend Julia Freeman was part of the show.
72. I checked out a lot of books for my dissertation. Most of them sit nicely on my shelf in a neat little pile.
73. I started my fifth year as a grad student (though technically I’m counted as a 6th year since I came in with my MA).
74. I was nominated for and received a Humanities, Arts, Science, and Technology Advanced Collaboratory (HASTAC) Scholars fellowship.
75. I taught ENGL 281: Intermediate Expository Writing: “10 Things I Hate About Writing, Or, A Writers Bootcamp. It was my first time teaching the course, and it was an interesting experiment.
76. Along with my friend Timothy Welsh, we taught CHID 496: Focus Group: “Bioshock: Cyborg Morality and Posthuman Choice.”
77. I became thoroughly enamored with Glee.
78. I finally got a hold of, met with, and got some direction from my dissertation advisor. It was nearly four months since I had turned in my chapter draft. I was nearly out of my mind with stress and worry. I thought that he thought my draft was terrible, that he didn’t want to work with me anymore, that he didn’t know how to tell me he was going to quit my committee. But, he was just busy. I now have some feedback. Now I just have to figure out how to do the work, to sort out my ideas, and to write.
79. I read the first of the Twilight series. I really did not like it. In fact, it took me months to get through it. But I figured I needed to have some reference since my students are all crazy about it.
80. My roommate Jane got the recent installment of Robert Jordan’s Wheel of Time series, The Gathering Storm. It was finally released and is one of three “final” books of the series since Jordan passed away. I read it after she finished with it. It was entertaining and interesting to see how the ghost writer handled Jordan’s world. At least things happen in this novel!
81. Greg and I went to the Seattle March for Equality on National Coming Out Day.
82. I finished Book 30 of my (handwritten) journals, and I began Book 31.
83. Like last year, Greg and I got passes to the Seattle Lesbian & Gay Film Festival. We saw eight showings. It was exhausting but a lot of fun.
84. I continued to work on my dissertation, trying to reframe and revise my first chapter. Alas, to little avail.
85. Greg and I went to the Seattle Art Museum REMIX. It was a lot of fun.
86. I kept playing World of Warcraft. Greg had started the year playing with me but has since given up.
87. I revived the English Graduate Student Organization becoming one of the executive officers and helping to redesign the GSO website.
88. I spent entirely too much time on Facebook.
89. Greg and I went to a Halloween party thrown by friends of friends. It was fully of mostly bears and radical fairies. It was fun.
91. I spent entirely too much time playing Farmville on Facebook.
92. I cooked Thanksgiving dinner for Jane, myself, and Jane’s boyfriend, Chris.
93. I started a Tellings group in Seattle. Finally. The group consists of three friends from school: Mike, Curtis, and Rebecca. Two friends from Seattle: Josh and Andrea (though I knew them from my SF days). And Greg. It’s been a really awesome time so far.
94. I started planning the next revision of the Tellings book, which will hopefully be done sometime in the summer of 2010. It will be the 20th Anniversary edition of Tellings. To help me, I finally got the Tellings blog going.
95. I organized a GSO Autumn Social at the College Inn Pub. It went really well, and we even got some funding from the department.
96. Speaking of which, I drank a little too much in 2009. Probably.
97. Greg and I took a short trip down to SF for the Christmas holiday.
98. While in the Bay Area, I went to the top of Mount Tamalpais and visited Muir Beach.
99. I made Christmas Eve dinner at my sister’s place in Berkeley, CA.
100. I saw Avatar in 3D.
101. Greg and I celebrated our two year anniversary on New Year’s Eve night. We just stayed in. I made dinner. We drank a little champagned. And we watched a movie. It was a lovely way to end the year.

It’s too bad that the PhDepression never really got resolved or went away. I think even though I had a lot going on last year, the whole of the year was colored by the fact that I have this huge project looming over my head. Intellectually, emotionally, and physically, I have not been totally one hundred percent. But I am taking care of that. I am taking care of myself. I have to, obviously. So, I think things like getting my gaming group going and going to the gym and trying to just enjoy my time (even if it’s keeping me from my diss) are giving me energy back, giving me hope, and giving me a reason to keep going.

Here’s to a better year. Here’s to a great, productive, happy, awesome, exciting, interesting, successful, sexy, fun, and fascinating 2010. Happy new year!

DECEMBER. I cannot believe that the year is almost over. They say that as you get older your sense of time passing seems to speed up. All I know is that I barely remember this year going by. I mean I am sure I did all sorts of things. But right now I don’t have the wherewithal to summon them up. I guess I will have to wait till I write up my yearly “101 Things I Did Last Year” posts. The last three months have been a blur. I think it has something to do with the fact that I’ve been trying to work on my dissertation and having little success at it. Because my dissertation is on my mind, because it hasn’t been going well, it is just a huge psychic sink. Time, thought, life, energy, and even a little hope just get lost down that drain. I am hoping that the new year will bring some new inspiration and motivation. Better yet: I wish for my dissertation to be done next year.

Meanwhile, I have stayed busy otherwise. Grad life, teaching, life-life are also vying for my attention and devotion. I have been busier this quarter than I have been in past quarters, I think. Even though, technically, I have more time to myself since I don’t have classwork. It’s all give and take. I gain time by being out of classes but I spend that time doing things like committee work, teaching work, or socializing.

I just got back from a whirlwind trip to San Francisco. Greg and I left on Wednesday really early in the morning. And we got back late last night. The purpose of the trip was to get away for a few days, to spend the holidays down in the Bay Area, to see my sister, and to meet up with my father. I had been hounding my father to have a little family reunion this year. My sister and I haven’t seen him face to face in a long while. I think it should become a tradition of ours to meet up once a year. Pick a city. Meet in that city. See each other. Catch up. That sort of thing. Part of the reason why we don’t meet up is because both my sister and I are grad students caught up in the grad vortext. Part of the reason is because it’s just darned expensive to travel these days. And part of the reason is because my stepmother really just doesn’t go out of her way (and hence my father’s way by default) to accommodate us. But this year my sister and I managed to get my father to take a trip out West. Of course, instead of just flying to Seattle or SF to see us, he books a tour of California. Originally, the tour would take him through San Francisco the days around Christmas. So, I planned my trip down to coincide with his trip. Alas, because of wintry East Coast weather and other snafus, his tour got shifted around. So, I got to see Alenda and Brian. And he’ll catch up with my sister later, closer to New Year’s.

It was a jam packed trip, and I always like going to SF. Greg and I flew out of Seattle at like 6:40 AM, got into SFO two hours later, got picked up by Alenda and Brian. We went to walk around the Embarcadero and the Ferry Building. Then we visited Coit Tower and saw the wild parrots of Telegraph Hill. It was awesome (and meant more to me after seeing the documentary). Then we met up with my sister and her boyfriend’s friend John-Mark for lunch at Park Chow. Then we drove over the Golden Gate to go to the top of Mount Tamalpais, to walk around Muir Beach, and to have a drink at the Pelican Inn’s pub. Then we headed back to The City. They dropped us off at our hotel, the Hotel Triton, of course. Greg and I had a wash-up and a rest. Then we bussed down to the Castro, had a burrito, and then went out drinking. It was nearly 2 AM by the time we got back to the hotel to crash. We had been up for almost twenty-four hours. Can you say tired?

Wednesday was Christmas Eve. We got up at a leisurely time, had a quick bite to eat, and then BARTed over to Berkeley. My sister took us grocery shopping at the famed Berkeley Bowl. Then I spent most of the afternoon making dinner: citrus-fennel roast turkey, horseradish mashed potatoes, mushroom stuffing, oven-roasted brussel sprouts and beets, homemade cranberry sauce, and sauteed kale. We hung out with some of my sister’s grad school friends. Ate. Drank. Played PS3. It was a fun night.

Thursday, Christmas Day, Greg and I got up and checked out of the hotel. We headed over to my sister’s place. We hung out a little, ate some leftovers, and then decided to go see a movie. We watched Avatar (in 3D). It was entertaining. Full of issues (mainly that its narrative isn’t really anything new: cowboys and indians, Heart of Darkness, going native, colonization, racism, imperialism, sci-fi Others, and so on). And interesting to think about in terms of telepresence technology, embodiment, and all that jazz. After the movie, we tried to find a Chinese restaurant to eat at in the South Bay. The first restaurant we went to was totally busy and crazy and kind of ignored us. Then we decided on a nearby (slightly dodgy) restaurant called Fat Wong’s. Dinner was okay. Afterward, they took us to the airport, we got on a plane, and got back into the Seattle area around 1:30 AM.

Here are some photos from the first day in San Francisco. Ferry Building. Then Coit Tower. Then lunch.

Then we hiked around Mount Tamalpais.

Then we went to Muir Beach.

Here are some pictures from getting dinner ready on Christmas Eve.

Now I am ready to recover from my vacation.

More soon.

HERE ARE SOME PICTURES FROM THANKSGIVING. I really haven’t had much time to update my site at all. It’s a shame really. Suffice it to say that a lot probably did happen last month, but I did not have time or energy to write it down. Maybe I’ll have better luck this month. Probably not.

More soon. Maybe. Maybe not.

TODAY WAS A PERFECT FALL DAY. The sky was clear. The sun was bright. The weather was cool. And the leaves of the trees in the neighborhood are changing. It was a perfect daya for a day in the park, for a walk around the area, for a protest march. Greg and I attended the Seattle March for Quality, which was held in conjunction with the march on Washington, DC. There were probably a few hundred people in Seattle’s March, which started in Volunteer Park, wound its way through Capitol Hill, and down to the Seattle courthouse downtown. I had hoped for more participation and was glad to be able to lend my presence, my voice, and my steps. It was Greg’s first march, first protest. I think it was a learning experience for me, for him, for the city, and hopefully for the nation.

All in all, it was a good National Coming Out Day.

RETURNED. It’s been over three long months since I have written anything here: I have been away. More mentally, emotionally, and intellectually than physically or geographically. It seems like a gulf of time between now and then, between the start of fall and the end of spring. I cannot believe that I left my site, my blog for so long. I think this is probably one of the longest hiatuses in the history of my site. I don’t know why it happened exactly. I know that it was partly due to the fact that I wanted to try migrating the site over to an actual blog platform like WordPress. (I didn’t like any of the templates. And I don’t really have the time or the energy to learn how to build a template.) But the majority of why I haven’t been writing is because I have been writing — anything — at all. Writing right now has been a bit of a curse. I feel like I’m more than just blocked. I’m all mixed up and paralyzed right now. My dissertation has come to a dead stall. And because I’m stuck there I’m stuck in all of my other creative, expressive endeavors. I suffer and so my blog suffers.Fortunately, some instinct for self-preservation and self-motivation and self-creation takes over after any extended period of “blah,” and I start nudging my way back into working, writing, growing, and changing. It’s still just a trickle. But some progress is better than nothing. It’s all about finding the rhythm, the routine agian. I hope that if I can get back on the horse with these personal projects, which are really low stakes, then I can find some confidence and energy for my academic and scholarly projects.

Here’s to a promising start: I decided that I will keep on keeping on with my site until I actually can find a blog platform that I am happy with. And in the spirit of starting fresh, I have updated the site’s color scheme. It’s bold, deep, sharp, and strangely in line with the mood of my current days. I like it. We’ll see how long it lasts. In the meantime, here’s a hasty recap of months missing:

MAY

I really can’t believe that it’s been so long since I last wrote. My last entries were back in May, back around my birthday. And then that was it. Radio silence. Suffice it to say a lot has happened since then. Again, some of the sudden hiatus can also be attributed to the fact that the end of last quarter was a really busy, really stressful time for me. I had a major deadline of turning in a draft of at least one of my dissertation chapters in order to meet the normative time deadline for funding. I am sure I went over this, but basically, I came into the program with four years of guaranteed funding. Normally, it is five but I came in with my master’s. And even though I have only been at UW four years, I am considered a “fifth year” because of my MA degree. Anyway, this past school year was my last year of funding. The upcoming year, as a “sixth year,” I would be put into a pool of those needing funding. Throw in the financial crisis, massive state budget cuts, and a dwindling appreciation for humanities programs and what you’ve got left is a lot of grad students scurrying and scrounging for money. So, to try to make things “fair,” the department installed normative time deadlines for completing certain degree milestones like taking exams, prospectus approval, and dissertation chapters. In order for me to be competative (something I hate needing to have to worry about), I needed to get a draft done at the very least.

JUNE

The quarter ended in the first week of June. I got my chapter draft in before the deadline. It’s a total mess and needs a lot of work. I literally cobbled together a bunch of different ideas, readings, pieces of past papers, and attempted to frame its wanton unruliness. I think there is some merit to what I wrote. I like some parts. I like some ideas. But it’s far from being a “done” chapter. I also wrapped up my high school novel class. I had some really good students, but overall, I think the class could have been a lot more engaging and interesting. Teaching literature at eight o’clock in the morning and trying to get kids to let go of their high school preconceptions and prejudices was difficult. I still had a good time. I still thought it was a good idea. And I got a lot out of the experience, which is success in my book.

The end of term also brought a cavalcade of university functions and obligations. I mean it wasn’t bad. Just busy and tiring. I was honored by the University for my Excellence in Teaching Award (here’s the official write-up). First, I attended a luncheon held by the school for teaching award recipients and members of the award committee. Then, I attended the actual university-wide recognition ceremony where I got a fancy framed certificate and a medal! If you want to see Provost Phyllis Wise give me my award, click here.

Finally, I was invited by the Department of English to speak at graduation. It was a great honor. At first I wasn’t going to do it, but my department chair thought I should. How can you say no to that? So, I got to dress up in regalia. I got to sit up on the stage with all of the professors. And I was the first guest speaker. I only had five minutes or so. So, I kept things really simple. The first part was sentimental: I told the students that they needed to make sure they continued to be curious about the world aroudn them. The second part was practical: I advised them that no matter what they wrote, no matter what job they had, they had to read everything out loud. Then I proceeded to tell my number one best student error story. I had a student once who wrote a paper about the disposal of nuclear waste in the US, whether it should be disposed of in a centralized facility or remain decentralized. There was a quote in their paper that was supposed to read: “Nuclear waste spread across the US is like dirty socks strewn about a bachelor’s apartment.” Unfortunately, what they actually typed was: “Nuclear waste spread across the US is like dirty cocks strewn about a bachelor’s apartment” (my emphasis). This got a lot of uncomfortable laughs. But I immediately followed up with: “I wrote in the margins, ‘OH, MY GOD!’” And that got them laughing. All in all, it was a success. People kept coming up to me afterward saying how much they enjoyed my speech. (There was report of one complaint from a parent who did not find the story appropriate for public.) It was one of the hardest things I’ve done — and I’m usually comfortable speaking in front of audiences — mainly because it was in front of like a thousand people and I didn’t want to fuck up people’s graduation experiences.

JULY

The bulk of July was spent prepping for and teaching ENGL 108 for Summer LEAP, a live-learn transition program for incoming freshmen athletes. I’ve been with the program for several years. This was my second year teaching, co-teaching with my friend and roommate, Jane. And like previous years, it is really fun, really tiring, and really challenging. I always have a blast; I always feel like I’m learning how to be a better teacher. And I really like working with this particular population of students. The four weeks were intense and intensive. We taught every day. We usually had grading every night. And on Fridays, we would take the students on field trips into the city. It’s pretty much all I did for the entire month.

AUGUST

Much of August was spent recovering from July. Much of August was spent trying to get back into dissertation mode. And much of August was spent just wallowing, stressing out, trying to not let the “PhDepression” wipe me out completely.

To be fair, my life and my world are generally pretty good: I have had a very full and productive (in different ways) summer, I am in a great relationship with Greg, my social life is generally cool (I think in part because I really don’t worry about it as much as I used to), I got to visit with my sister a little when she came up for a visit, I am still doing my best to exercise and eat well, I am still playing World of Warcraft, and I adopted a cat.

Pigeon is technically my friend Jamie’s cat. Jamie needed to find a new home for Pigeon. So, Jane and I decided that we’d foster her (indefinitely). She’s a very sweet, very playful, very vocal, and sometimes very needy little furball. But she’s added some life and energy to the apartment. And she’s offers companionship and comfort to both of us.

So, the general state of things is fine. But, alas, as with most things when it comes to graduate school, the dissertation has really got me down. Like I said, though, I’ll figure it out. I mean I want to quit every single day. I keep thinking that there’s got to be better things to do, easier things to do. I am half-tempted to just find a fun job and live out my life. But I know that I really do want to finish the degree, close this chapter, and hopefully make it as a professor. I am hoping that the school year will give me some structure back to my hours, days, and weeks. It’s really nice to have all of this “free” time, but I tend to just feel anxious, feel guilty that I’m not producing, or just feel disappointed and depressed. So, with the new school year, I’ll have things to work around, things to distract me, things to cheer me up. I hope.

That’s it in a nutshell. More soon. I promise.

EDSTRAVAGANZA CONTINUES. Yesterday was a long, long day. I got up way too early after a night of a lot of birthday drinks at the College Inn. I had to go to campus for the Queer Worlds: The Will to Institutionality symposium. I had promised my students that I would be there and they could attend for participation extra credit. So, I had to go. It was interesting, good, but boy was I in bad shape. The rest of the day was spent recovering and getting ready for the evening’s festivities: Day Two of EDstravaganza! I decided to invite people for drinks at the Satellite Lounge (1118 E. Pike Street @ 11th), which isn’t a great bar but it’s spacious, usually not crowded, has a good jukebox, and the drinks are reasonable. It was a nice mix of people–school friends, nonschool friends, extended friends, some of Greg’s friends–and a lovely time was had. I had many birthday shots of Patron.

Then some of us wandered over to the Madison Pub (1315 E Madison St @ 13th) for nightcaps.

Thanks to all of my friends, “family,” and adorers (new and old) for a really nice, relaxed, convivial, and cheerful night! I had a good time. Today, EDstravaganza continues with brunch and then a double feature: Star Trek and Wolverine. Then sushi for dinner.

EDstravaganza next year is a big one! The big 4-0! I need to start planning now. I’m thinking maybe a birthday cruise.

EDSTRAVAGANZA HAS BEGUN. My birthday celebrations started last night at grad pub at the College Inn Pub. Birthday car bombs, it seems, were in order last night. Yummy, but so bad for the next day. I am a little more than feeling it this morning, and I have to head to campus for a day long symposium. Happy birthday to me!

OLDER AND WISER. (Though, given the dissertation doldrums, not much smarter.) Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday to me! Maybe if I say it enough times, I’ll actually believe it. Heh. Regardless, it’s time for EDstravaganza 2009 (this year it’s a limited affair)!

MAY 5. I cannot be believe it’s already May. Half the year is almost over, and I feel like I just started getting into things. Or maybe I just feel like I’m always getting things started and never really getting anything done. Or maybe I just have too many things that need getting started and need getting done. Perhaps that’s really what is going on. And I can’t believe that my birthday has come around again. So quickly.Someone tell me how to put the brakes on this thing. Life. Work. Things. I have been preoccupied, overcommitted, and precociously procrastinating. And it’s stressing me out. A lot. So much so that being stressed out is stressing me out. A vicious cycle of a flavor and texture common only to grad school.

It’s not that things are “bad” per se. Actually, I thing most of the general day to day is fine and dandy. But the big things are big and scary and demand a great deal of psychic energy and stamina. Dissertation. Worried about not having a job next year. Getting older. Feeling stuck. The stress and worry about the big things have a magnifying and harmonic affect on the stress and worry about the little things, which taken on their own or in small, managable numbers are easy peasy. Teaching. Grading. Extracurricular projects. Friends. Relationship. Working out. Not eating like a jackass.

I just need a little time, a little grace, and a little divine intervention. Just to grease the gears a little and get things moving.

More later.