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JANUARY IS ALMOST DONE. Where has the time gone? I cannot believe that we’re already a month into the new year. My awareness of the the passage of time seems heightened these days. It’s because of the dissertation. Or more accurately because of the fact that I have not done enough work on the dissertation. Every day that goes by, every week that goes by, and every month that goes by is a reminder of how much time I have wasted, how much time I have let slip through my hands, and how much time I have been stuck in my process. It has been over a quarter since my meeting with my dissertation advisor. I have done some reading hear and there. I have done some free writing here and there. But when it comes to any kind of substantive, structured, even-near-well-articulated writing, I have little to show for the last three or four months. It’s disheartening, even as I understand that this is all part of the process.

I know that everything that I have been doing, even the down time, is all part of the preparation for the next chapter, the next steps, and finishing. It’s all up in my head. And it’s swishing around. And there are moments, mere glimpses, usually when I’m doing nothing in particular — like washing the dishes or riding the bus home — where I see an idea coming together. But it’s nascent. And I really have nothing to put down on paper, although I might try. So, I sense that work is being done one some subconscious, unconscious level. I hope from simplicity comes complexity. The writing will emerge like Athena from my brow. That is not to say, of course, that I am just going to wait around for it to happen. I keep fiddling, I keep scribbling, I keep reading, and I keep agonizing. (Alas, it’s much more of the latter than the former these days.)

It doesn’t help that the past few weeks have been unusually full and volatile. A lot has been happening — fortunately not to me directly — but to people around me, people close to me. Jane, my roomie and fellow dissertating grad, suffered two tragedies in a row (her best friend’s mother passed away and her beloved dog Thor died, both quite suddenly). It’s been an tough few weeks for Jane and for me. Then my friend Rebecca’s favorite riding horse, the one she learned to ride on as a child, died. Then my friend Jason’s father passed away. It’s been an incredible confluence of extremely high emotions for all involved.

Life has just been busy, full of the odds and ends that seem small and manageable on their own but when grossed together make troubling logjams in the flow if things. For example, I usually have Monday, Wednesday, and Friday off this quarter. I only have to be on campus on Tuesday and Thursday during the week. But I have had to go in on my off days to help cover Jane or Jason’s classes. Or I have a meeting for one group or another. Or I have to take care of some detail like returning a recalled library book or dropping off a letter of recommendation to a student. In of themselves, they don’t take up a lot of time. But combined with my daily duties of teaching and life, the hours just get whittled and whiled away.

To be honest, I have whittled and whiled time away doing nothing but procrastinating, too. Procrastination is the number one coping mechanism for PhDepression. Some of that procrastination takes the form of other kinds of work — like working on teaching stuff or cleaning up the apartment or trying to have a life — but some of that procrastination is simply time to turn the brain off (or try to anyway) and just be. I have watched a lot of television. It doesn’t help that Jane is also going through the same kinds of PhDepression pains. We simply park ourselves in front of the TV and just let the day go. Lately, the LOGO channel has been showing random episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It’s a decidely happy distraction. I am tempted to buy the whole series on DVD so we can watch it from beginning to end.

Some of the “fun” time has been really helpful and even therapeutic. I have managed to put together a Tellings gaming group. I have six players gathered from school and friends, a mixture of new and old, and it seems to be going well. My friend Josh, who played with me when I lived in San Francisco, and his friend Andrea are playing. My friend Curtis and new friend Michael from grad school are playing. My former student Rebecca, who has taken four classes with me including my tabletop RPG and LARP classes, is playing. And, lastly, Greg, my partner, is playing. We have been playing for a couple of months now, and I am happy. In fact, Curtis has mentioned to me that I seem happier and more outgoing. I knew that gaming was an important outlet for me for my creativity, imagination, and extroversion. It’s sad that it’s taken me nearly five years to get a group going here. But better late than never.

Overall, the same formula has been holding true: life = pretty good / dissertation = death. Hopefully, the next month will be better in both regards. More soon.

IT’S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN. A new year cometh. An old year goeth. It’s amazing to me how fast time just goes hustling by. It seems like so much has happened in the past year. And it seems like I have gotten very little done. Mainly, I think because much of my measure of time is based on school, on teaching, and on the progress (or lack thereof) of my dissertation, time seems to move by quickly but relatively homogenously. It all seems the same. Day in, day out. But, as with years past, a little reflection will help me see that a lot has transpired, a lot has changed, and I have changed. Let there be a list!

101 Things I Did in 2009

1. I opened 2009 with full-blown pneumonia in my left lung.
2. My pneumonia was bad enough that I had to cancel the first week of class Winter Quarter and I had to go to the hospital.
3. I stayed overnight in the UW Medical Center. It was the first time ever that I’ve stayed in a hospital room.
4. I taught ENGL 207: Introduction to Cultural Studies: “Virtual Worlds and Video Games.
5. I made students play World of Warcraft for class.
6. I read and taught Shelley Jackson’s My Body for the first time. It’s is a wonderful, sexy, strange, and provocative text — worthy of a line of its own.
7. I suffered in the wake of the financial crisis, financial meltdown, and budgetary cuts of 2009. In particular, I witnessed Greg losing his job, I watched my department try to figure out what to do with less money than ever before, and I waited and waited to see if I would get funding for my 5th year of school.
8. I saw Slumdog Millionaire.
9. I got bronchitis after the pneumonia cleared up.
10. I welcomed the Year of the Ox.
11. I had my prospectus defense shortly after Chinese New Year.
12. I saw Fanboys.
13. I went to several meetings about the Department of English budget crisis and served as the English Graduate Student Organization liaison.
14. I saw Dean Spade give a talk on “Transgender Youth” at the UW School of Social Work.
15. I saw Push.
16. I went (with Greg) to a really good panel of professional graphic designers at the Cornish College of the Arts. The panel included Robynne Raye from Modern Dog.
17. I won a prize at the Jump Start panel at Cornish. It was an advertisement pack of air fresheners.
18. I saw Watchmen.
19. My video game class was featured in a story in the UW Daily: “Get Your Game On.”
20. I worried about my funding for school. A lot.
21. Greg and I took a short trip down to San Francisco in March. It was a spring break trip for me and a birthday trip for him. And it was to attend a conference.
22. I attended the Conference on College Composition and Communication (the 4Cs) as part of a panel I organized called “Save Points: Gaming as Writing, Production, and Play in the Contact Zone.” Alenda was part of the panel. And my friend Jamie was part of the panel.
23. I went to an crazy and awesome party during CCCC thrown by Bedford/St. Martin Press. The party was in San Francisco’s City Hall.
24. While in SF and staying at Hotel Triton, we were evacuated early in the morning due to a fire in the building. A first for me.
25. While visiting my sister, we took a road trip to Pescadero, CA.
26. I went to the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art.
27. I taught ENGL 242: Reading Fiction: “Not Your Average High School Novel Class: Re-Reading as Critical Practice.”
28. I taught CHID 496: Focus Group: “Heroes & Monsters: Understanding Live-Action Role-Playign Games.” In other words, I revived Archaea at the University of Washington.
29. I had PhDepression a lot.
30. Because of the PhDepression, I watched a lot of television, particularly Will & Grace on Lifetime.
31. I was awarded the UW Excellence in Teaching Award for 2009.
32. I attended organizational meetings for a new queer studies working group at the UW.
33. I attended organizational meetings for the Critical Gaming Project at UW.
34. I went to a talk by Karen Tongson called “Sound Migrations: Listening to the Suburbs.”
35. I went to the Queer Worlds Crossdisciplinary Research Cluster’s symposium “The Will to Institutionality” at UW.
36. I celebrated my 39th birthday. I had a modest EDstravaganza 2009. The them was “13 going on 39.”
37. I saw Star Trek. I really liked the remake and the reimagining of the original series.
38. I saw X-Men Origins: Wolverine.
39. I was written up in the departmental newsletter English Matters for my teaching award. 40. I went to my friend Matt Wilson’s PhD defense presentation.
41. I attended planning meetings for Summer LEAP 2009.
42. I revised and reorganized the Summer LEAP website.
43. I entered an online contest for Top Chef Masters and won a Top Chef Masters Premier B-Hive Party Pack.
44. I saw Up.
45. I had lunch (with Greg) at one of the handful of taco trucks in the Seattle area. We went to El Carreton (15001 Aurora Avenue, Shoreline, WA). It was yummy.
46. I attended the UW Best & Brightest 2009 award ceremony.
47. I was given a medal (my first one ever) and a framed certificate for my Excellence in Teaching Award. Oh, and a sizable award check, too. It was awesome.
48. I was asked to give a speech at the Department of English’s 2009 graduation ceremony. I was the first one to speak. It was a nerve-wracking five minutes, but I think I pulled it off.
49. I went to see RENT with Greg, Jason, and Karl at the Paramount Theatre.
50. I was awarded a full year of funding for my fifth year. A great relief.
51. I turned in a draft of my first dissertation chapter.
52. I started going to Greg’s gym once a week.
53. I went to Seattle Pride. I even got pulled into the pride parade to walk with the UW contingent. It was fun.
54. Greg and I took a day trip down to Olympia, WA.
55. While in Olympia, we visited the Capitol building.
56. While in Olympia, we went to the oldest gay bars in the city called Jake’s on 4th.
57. I attended my friend Sydney’s production of The Wiz: A Queer Multicultural Cabaret.
58. I taught ENGL 108: Writing Ready for Summer LEAP. The class used to be called GIS 140 but finally got an ENGL designation.
59. I saw Bruno.
60. I saw Food, Inc.. One of my favorite (yet disturbing) documentaries.
61. I saw Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.
62. I did very little work on my dissertation over the summer. Mainly, it was because I was waiting for feedback from my dissertation advisor. I did not know how I should proceed or if what I had turned in was on the right track. The PhDepression continued. 63. Greg and I crossed the year and a half mark. It was an important milestone. My relationship with him is still good. It’s the longest relationship I have had to date. I love him very much.
64. I adopted a cat named Pigeon from my friend Jamie.
65. I changed the color scheme of my website. Welcome the midnight indigo.
66. I was invited to do a podcast for On the Boards, a contemporary performing arts organization in Seattle. They wanted a podcast about video games and video game studies. It would be paired with a dance performance that involves video game technology.
67. I saw District 9, a really surprising and smart movie.
68. I helped submit a proposal to the Simpson Center for the Humanities at UW to fund a queer studies research cluster called Queer + Public + Performance. We got accepted but did not get all of the money we hoped for.
69. I started a blog for the Queer + Public + Performance.
70. I saw 9, which was directed by an old high school friend of mine.
71. I went to see the artists of MadArt: The Window Art Project in Madison Park. My friend Julia Freeman was part of the show.
72. I checked out a lot of books for my dissertation. Most of them sit nicely on my shelf in a neat little pile.
73. I started my fifth year as a grad student (though technically I’m counted as a 6th year since I came in with my MA).
74. I was nominated for and received a Humanities, Arts, Science, and Technology Advanced Collaboratory (HASTAC) Scholars fellowship.
75. I taught ENGL 281: Intermediate Expository Writing: “10 Things I Hate About Writing, Or, A Writers Bootcamp. It was my first time teaching the course, and it was an interesting experiment.
76. Along with my friend Timothy Welsh, we taught CHID 496: Focus Group: “Bioshock: Cyborg Morality and Posthuman Choice.”
77. I became thoroughly enamored with Glee.
78. I finally got a hold of, met with, and got some direction from my dissertation advisor. It was nearly four months since I had turned in my chapter draft. I was nearly out of my mind with stress and worry. I thought that he thought my draft was terrible, that he didn’t want to work with me anymore, that he didn’t know how to tell me he was going to quit my committee. But, he was just busy. I now have some feedback. Now I just have to figure out how to do the work, to sort out my ideas, and to write.
79. I read the first of the Twilight series. I really did not like it. In fact, it took me months to get through it. But I figured I needed to have some reference since my students are all crazy about it.
80. My roommate Jane got the recent installment of Robert Jordan’s Wheel of Time series, The Gathering Storm. It was finally released and is one of three “final” books of the series since Jordan passed away. I read it after she finished with it. It was entertaining and interesting to see how the ghost writer handled Jordan’s world. At least things happen in this novel!
81. Greg and I went to the Seattle March for Equality on National Coming Out Day.
82. I finished Book 30 of my (handwritten) journals, and I began Book 31.
83. Like last year, Greg and I got passes to the Seattle Lesbian & Gay Film Festival. We saw eight showings. It was exhausting but a lot of fun.
84. I continued to work on my dissertation, trying to reframe and revise my first chapter. Alas, to little avail.
85. Greg and I went to the Seattle Art Museum REMIX. It was a lot of fun.
86. I kept playing World of Warcraft. Greg had started the year playing with me but has since given up.
87. I revived the English Graduate Student Organization becoming one of the executive officers and helping to redesign the GSO website.
88. I spent entirely too much time on Facebook.
89. Greg and I went to a Halloween party thrown by friends of friends. It was fully of mostly bears and radical fairies. It was fun.
91. I spent entirely too much time playing Farmville on Facebook.
92. I cooked Thanksgiving dinner for Jane, myself, and Jane’s boyfriend, Chris.
93. I started a Tellings group in Seattle. Finally. The group consists of three friends from school: Mike, Curtis, and Rebecca. Two friends from Seattle: Josh and Andrea (though I knew them from my SF days). And Greg. It’s been a really awesome time so far.
94. I started planning the next revision of the Tellings book, which will hopefully be done sometime in the summer of 2010. It will be the 20th Anniversary edition of Tellings. To help me, I finally got the Tellings blog going.
95. I organized a GSO Autumn Social at the College Inn Pub. It went really well, and we even got some funding from the department.
96. Speaking of which, I drank a little too much in 2009. Probably.
97. Greg and I took a short trip down to SF for the Christmas holiday.
98. While in the Bay Area, I went to the top of Mount Tamalpais and visited Muir Beach.
99. I made Christmas Eve dinner at my sister’s place in Berkeley, CA.
100. I saw Avatar in 3D.
101. Greg and I celebrated our two year anniversary on New Year’s Eve night. We just stayed in. I made dinner. We drank a little champagned. And we watched a movie. It was a lovely way to end the year.

It’s too bad that the PhDepression never really got resolved or went away. I think even though I had a lot going on last year, the whole of the year was colored by the fact that I have this huge project looming over my head. Intellectually, emotionally, and physically, I have not been totally one hundred percent. But I am taking care of that. I am taking care of myself. I have to, obviously. So, I think things like getting my gaming group going and going to the gym and trying to just enjoy my time (even if it’s keeping me from my diss) are giving me energy back, giving me hope, and giving me a reason to keep going.

Here’s to a better year. Here’s to a great, productive, happy, awesome, exciting, interesting, successful, sexy, fun, and fascinating 2010. Happy new year!

DECEMBER. I cannot believe that the year is almost over. They say that as you get older your sense of time passing seems to speed up. All I know is that I barely remember this year going by. I mean I am sure I did all sorts of things. But right now I don’t have the wherewithal to summon them up. I guess I will have to wait till I write up my yearly “101 Things I Did Last Year” posts. The last three months have been a blur. I think it has something to do with the fact that I’ve been trying to work on my dissertation and having little success at it. Because my dissertation is on my mind, because it hasn’t been going well, it is just a huge psychic sink. Time, thought, life, energy, and even a little hope just get lost down that drain. I am hoping that the new year will bring some new inspiration and motivation. Better yet: I wish for my dissertation to be done next year.

Meanwhile, I have stayed busy otherwise. Grad life, teaching, life-life are also vying for my attention and devotion. I have been busier this quarter than I have been in past quarters, I think. Even though, technically, I have more time to myself since I don’t have classwork. It’s all give and take. I gain time by being out of classes but I spend that time doing things like committee work, teaching work, or socializing.

I just got back from a whirlwind trip to San Francisco. Greg and I left on Wednesday really early in the morning. And we got back late last night. The purpose of the trip was to get away for a few days, to spend the holidays down in the Bay Area, to see my sister, and to meet up with my father. I had been hounding my father to have a little family reunion this year. My sister and I haven’t seen him face to face in a long while. I think it should become a tradition of ours to meet up once a year. Pick a city. Meet in that city. See each other. Catch up. That sort of thing. Part of the reason why we don’t meet up is because both my sister and I are grad students caught up in the grad vortext. Part of the reason is because it’s just darned expensive to travel these days. And part of the reason is because my stepmother really just doesn’t go out of her way (and hence my father’s way by default) to accommodate us. But this year my sister and I managed to get my father to take a trip out West. Of course, instead of just flying to Seattle or SF to see us, he books a tour of California. Originally, the tour would take him through San Francisco the days around Christmas. So, I planned my trip down to coincide with his trip. Alas, because of wintry East Coast weather and other snafus, his tour got shifted around. So, I got to see Alenda and Brian. And he’ll catch up with my sister later, closer to New Year’s.

It was a jam packed trip, and I always like going to SF. Greg and I flew out of Seattle at like 6:40 AM, got into SFO two hours later, got picked up by Alenda and Brian. We went to walk around the Embarcadero and the Ferry Building. Then we visited Coit Tower and saw the wild parrots of Telegraph Hill. It was awesome (and meant more to me after seeing the documentary). Then we met up with my sister and her boyfriend’s friend John-Mark for lunch at Park Chow. Then we drove over the Golden Gate to go to the top of Mount Tamalpais, to walk around Muir Beach, and to have a drink at the Pelican Inn’s pub. Then we headed back to The City. They dropped us off at our hotel, the Hotel Triton, of course. Greg and I had a wash-up and a rest. Then we bussed down to the Castro, had a burrito, and then went out drinking. It was nearly 2 AM by the time we got back to the hotel to crash. We had been up for almost twenty-four hours. Can you say tired?

Wednesday was Christmas Eve. We got up at a leisurely time, had a quick bite to eat, and then BARTed over to Berkeley. My sister took us grocery shopping at the famed Berkeley Bowl. Then I spent most of the afternoon making dinner: citrus-fennel roast turkey, horseradish mashed potatoes, mushroom stuffing, oven-roasted brussel sprouts and beets, homemade cranberry sauce, and sauteed kale. We hung out with some of my sister’s grad school friends. Ate. Drank. Played PS3. It was a fun night.

Thursday, Christmas Day, Greg and I got up and checked out of the hotel. We headed over to my sister’s place. We hung out a little, ate some leftovers, and then decided to go see a movie. We watched Avatar (in 3D). It was entertaining. Full of issues (mainly that its narrative isn’t really anything new: cowboys and indians, Heart of Darkness, going native, colonization, racism, imperialism, sci-fi Others, and so on). And interesting to think about in terms of telepresence technology, embodiment, and all that jazz. After the movie, we tried to find a Chinese restaurant to eat at in the South Bay. The first restaurant we went to was totally busy and crazy and kind of ignored us. Then we decided on a nearby (slightly dodgy) restaurant called Fat Wong’s. Dinner was okay. Afterward, they took us to the airport, we got on a plane, and got back into the Seattle area around 1:30 AM.

Here are some photos from the first day in San Francisco. Ferry Building. Then Coit Tower. Then lunch.

Then we hiked around Mount Tamalpais.

Then we went to Muir Beach.

Here are some pictures from getting dinner ready on Christmas Eve.

Now I am ready to recover from my vacation.

More soon.

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HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR! Happy Year of the Ox! (I was thinking earlier this morning that this politically correct move to calling Chinese New Year the Lunar New Year is both inaccurate and totalizing of all “Asian” or “lunar” cultures. After all, the Chinese lunar calendar is not the same as the Jewish lunar calendar is not the same as the Wiccan lunar calendar and so on. So, why with the bland multiculturalism of “Lunar New Year?” Well, we all probably know the answer to that one, kids.)  Barack Obama is an Ox — how fortuitious! Let’s just hope the year ahead will not be too challenging.

As for me, according to the Feng Shui Store, I am to expect a generally good year:

Being a Dog myself I am really looking forward to 2009 and overall it will be a good year with a few ups and downs, play your cards right and follow all the advice here along with the annual stars, the year 2009 should be good for wealth, career and general luck. Those Dogs born in 1934 and 1982 need to be careful in relationships especially if they are married, spend more time this year with your partner as your potential success for the year can cause you to overlook people that are important and this will cause you problems. Unmarried Dogs born in other years can expect new relationships and even rekindle existing ones. Your year will be busy but leave some time for play and make sure you take plenty of rest. Those Dogs born in 1958 (me) and 1970 will have a fantastic year and you can expect amazing opportunities in wealth and business. If you were born 1958 (me again) you must take time out to relax and watch what you eat.

Your busy lifestyle can cause you stomach problems this year so please be careful, I would place a brass Wu Lou beside your bed especially if it is located in the north or west. You should be careful signing contracts this year so make sure you read all the small print and do not let yourself be conned by someone sweet or fast talking.

With regards to wealth, business and career, 2009 can be a year of seeds you planted over the last few years which will now blossom, so please make the most of this year as the wind is behind you; this is particularly true for Dogs born in 1958. Do not think though that all this means you can just sit back and let the good times happen, hard work is still needed by you. Young Dogs born in 1994 will do well this year but they should ideally carry an image of a Rabbit for protection, as should all Dogs in 2009. This is a great year to reflect on your life and be honest with yourself, our true character is what we do when we think no one is looking, be true to yourself and help as many people as you can in 2009, you will get real rewards from this, read my words again, this could change your life and expect good changes in 2009, reputation is what the world thinks a person is; character is what they really are. Enjoy your year, it will be great.

According to Chinese Fortune Calendar:

Last year, Dog people should have a better Rat year than most of people. They should be satisfied for their achievement. Even their friends or relatives around should be proud of Dog people’s performance. In 2009, Dog people still have Lucky Stars coming, surrounding and supporting them. But the Unlucky Stars will come stronger than 2008. The fortune of Dog people in 2009 will inevitably fall down a little bit. However, Dog people have the character of loyalty, diligence, frank and honest. Therefore, they shouldn’t have too bad year in the year of the Cow.

Career: Year 2009, there are two Lucky Stars and two Unlucky Star related to career are coming into your life. The signs show the events of disagreement, argument, conflict or resentment will come and bring you trouble. Therefore, you have to pay attention on your words and deeds. You need to focus more on people relationship. As long as you keep your sincere attitude, hardworking spirit and perseverance character, then you should be able to overcome any obstacle, challenge, confrontation and difficulty from your job in 2009.

Money: One Lucky Star shows you have a good money luck in 2009. But your money luck is connected to the career luck. You have career opportunity in 2009, but the career luck is not stable. Autumn is a better time for your career luck, but not the Summer. As long as you can save your job position, then you should have the stable income. Remember that your money luck this year is not the easy money, you need to work hard to earn it.

Love: There is no Love Star or Happy Star coming for Dog people. But there is a Lonely Star appearing in 2009. That means your love relationship wont’ be smooth in the year of Cow. If you are a senior, then you have to pay attention on your spouse’s health. You need to take your spouse to visit doctor whenever he or she feels uncomfortable. If you are married, you might have more quarrel with your spouse this year. If you are in love, you might be lack of chemistry with your companion. If there is a third person involved, then your relationship will be in trouble. If you are still single, then you might have one or two love opportunities coming to you in the Cow year, but the relationship won’t last too long.

Health: Your job responsibility will increase in 2009. You will have more daily tasks in your position and you need more energy and spirit to handle those heavy job. The mental pressure will come together, then you won’t have a good sleeping rest. Next, you will be losing your health and have more chances to get sick. Also, the poor relationship in love will affect your emotion and let you feel depressed. This is purely psychological problem. If you can understand that this is not a long term obstacle and learn how to relax yourself, you should be able to solve this problem.

Fortune: Dog people have a fair luck in the year of Cow, since they have Lucky Stars supporting them and Unlucky stars disturbing them. That means you will have some good time and some hard time. Everything won’t be as smooth as you expect. But don’t use this as a excuse for frustration or despair. You just have to spend more time to reach your goal. To double your efforts today will let you become more competitive when the opportunity comes tomorrow. In the company, you should keep your profile low, stay away from people giving you trouble and do not have any argument with your enemy. In the money area, don’t be too greedy and do not have any risky investment. As long as focusing on your work, you will earn your return. For your love, you need more proactive in communication to build and maintain a solid relationship. For your health, you need to look for more time to rest, and then your health will improve.

I wonder if it matters that I am a Taurus in the Western zodiac? Xin nian kuai le, everyone!

FIRST OF ALL, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY FRIEND JEFF!  I hope he is well and has a great day. Second of all, Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. Day! And third of all, Happy Inauguration Eve!  (I’m sure the poetics of the inauguration of Barack Obama falling so close to MLK Day will not be lost, even though such logics bespeak of certain racialized — if not racist — hopes and desires and guilt.  But, let me be positive and “yes we can”-y for now.)

In other important, national news, it’s been about a week since I finished my course of antibiotics.  Moxifloxicin.  What a great name. I think I should name my next cat Moxiflox or Moxifloxi.  I definitely feel better.  I no longer feel like I’ve been dragged through the sewers.  Fever is gone.  Aches are gone.  General well-being is up.  Energy is returning.  But, I am still resting and recovering and healing. I still have a little bit of a cough, which thanks to an inhaler is lessening each day.  And I still can’t really exert myself too much.  I get tired fast and out of breath fast still.

I went back to work last week.  I taught Monday through Thursday.  It’s been really good to go back to my routine and back into the classroom.  I was feeling bad for having to cancel the first week of classes.  And I was worried that we wouldn’t be able to get caught up. But things are moving along swimmingly. I think we’re back on track.  Though, I must admit that I have never taught this class before, and I am learning as much as my students are about how to structure things, about the readings and the game texts, and about what it means to study, do, use, analyze, and understand “cultural studies.”  I’ve framed my class with the idea that we’ll look at certain cultural studies terms, ideas, interventions, and keywords as we dive into “virtual world” and “video game” texts. In other words, the games we play and the texts we explore become the occasions for thinking about cultural studies perspectives and methodologies. But the class is set up so that we’re thinking about the texts first, then linking them up to the cultural studies second.  It’s inductive, but I think productive.

The first part of last week, I just went in to school (early since I go in with Jane, who teaches at 8:30 AM, and I teach at 9:30 AM), taught, and then went home. Walking across campus was more tiring than I expected.  On Thursday of last week, I decided to see if I could do a full day.  I went in, taught, had office hours, had lunch, hung out, had collegial hours in the afternoon, then went to pub. By the end of the day, I was exhausted.  There is something qualitatively different about sitting at home and resting (or “doing nothing”) and sitting in my office or on campus resting and “doing nothing.”  I think it’s because at school I am always “on” and talking to students, talking to people, watching my behavior, doing work, thinking about work, being extroverted, and such.

Thursday was also an emotional day because Greg got laid off from work.  I was on chat around lunch time, and he told me that he had just lost his job. He called me shortly thereafter to tell me what happened.  Basically, his company was downsizing.  In his workgroup, he and one another senior person got laid off.  It’s all about saving money, right?  Why pay a senior employee’s salary when you can pay someone much less to do the same job? I think it was a shock to him (though he had a feeling the week before about it).  It was definitely a shock to me. I thought he was safe given that he worked on key projects and applications for his company. I could tell he was shaken. He’s in good shape, though. He’s got a generous severance package, and his company is bending over backwards to make the “transition” a good one. Of course, this doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck to get dumped. Greg met up with me at the pub.  We talked. He talked. He commiserated. He vented. I think it was good for him to get out.  And I think this can be a good opportunity for him if he’s creative, proactive, graceful, and patient.  He needs to not take it personally, though.  He’ll be okay.  He’ll be more than okay. Besides, he’s got good friends, good contacts, lots of experience, family, and me.

The rest of the weekend was pretty much spent just hanging out, decompressing, and doing more of the “resting” thing. Friday night, one of Greg’s (former) coworkers had a little gathering at her fancy house on the coast of western Magnolia.  It was way out there. The party was “German sausage” themed.  Basically, they served different sausages, sauerkraut, pretzels, and German beer and sweets.  I brought the fixings for my almost world famous “ginger cape cods,” which I should name “Tina Louises” or “Ginger Grants.”  The party was okay. I was really tired.  And I really didn’t know anyone there.  Plus it was mostly “grown up” types, I guess, consisting of couples and professional world people and such. Even though most of these people are in my age group, I don’t feel like I am in their circles and leagues. I’m fine with that, actually, but it makes for awkward conversations. I had a nice time and am glad that I can hang out with Greg and his friends. But afterward it was nice to go home, be quiet, and sleep.

Greg got World of Warcraft as a holiday present from his mom.  So, he’s been slowly learning how to play the game.  We spent the weekend playing together.  He made a Draenei warrior named Missoula.  I made a Draenei shaman named Ocoro.  In just a few days, we’ve hit level 12.  He’s still getting used to everything.  There’s a lot to take in in WoW and a lot to learn how to do.  But it’s been fun, diverting, and distracting.  I think I get a little bossy, though, because much of the game is second nature to me.  It’s been a really long time since I’ve met a completely new player to WoW.  But Greg’s bright and just by playing around he’ll get it in no time.  Interestingly, I bet a number of my students taking my class will also be WoW newbies, and I’ll have to try to find ways to ease them into the game. I think, though, that part of the challenge of learning a game is part of the fun (or can be part of the fun, I should say).

Saturday was spent mostly hanging out and playing WoW.  Then we went to see Slumdog Millionaire, which was good but a little rougher than I expected. I also expect the current hype surrounding the movie might do well to be filtered through a little bit of Edward Said.  Moreover, the “feel good movie”- and “triumph of the human spirit”-ness of the film does little to stray from conventional narratives about rugged individualism, the “American Dream” or better yet the “Capitalist Dream,” and idealized romantic love.  That said, I think there are things about the film that are brilliant.  I particularly like the actors of the first third of the film; the kids are amazing.  The images of the city are staggering and dense.  And I love the music, particularly M.I.A.’s “Paper Planes” remix and A. R. Rahman’s “Jai Ho” used in the closing credits. I would have liked a little more commentary on issues like class, race, religion, and such. But I very much liked it and recommend it.

Sunday was spent hanging out some more. Greg and I did head up to Alderwood to check out the Circuit City ”going out of business” sale — which alas was not really a sale and the quality of the store seriously bespoke of why the company was bell up. I did pick up a few things, but for the most part the sale prices couldn’t beat Amazon’s regular prices or Best Buy’s prices or even Target’s everyday prices. After Circuit “Shitty,” we hit up our favorite gay-for-pay store, Target.  We went there mostly for household sundries, but I did manage to pick up a couple of really good deals on an orange hoodie, a shirt, and a vest (though I think I’m going to have to take the vest back because everyone says it makes me look like I’m trying to be a gangster).  The rest of Sunday was spent WoWing.

Now, it’s Monday.  A day off.  And I’m trying to get caught up with some little projects here and there.  That’s about it.  Hopefully, it’ll be a good week and a good rest of the month.  Chinese New Year is next Monday.  I hope for a better new year than the one I just had.  More soon.

THIS IS A JOKE EMAIL THAT ONE OF THE WOMEN IN THE MAIN ENGLISH OFFICE SENT TO ME.  I think she was trying to cheer me up (during my convalescence). I also think that it’s one of those “things” where people try to connect with me about my mohawk, to prove to me that they’re “cool” with it.  It’s silly, but it made me smile:

DAD AT THE MALL

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, ‘What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?’ Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. ‘Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock.  I was just wondering if you were my son.’ Wishing you a Happy New Year and an abundance of laughter this year.

It’s cute. Happy new year, indeed. Abundance of laughter, indeed.

IT HASN’T BEEN A FULL WEEK YET SINCE THE START OF THE YEAR AND ALREADY IT’S BEEN A DOOZY!  The past seven days have been intense in ways that only a Stanley Kubrick film could convey — all volumes and movements and angles and tracking shots, all emotions rendered as part of the landscape, and the landscape casts long and deep shadows on all of its inhabitants.  The past week has been a challenge and a new experience for my sensorium. So, where should I begin?

From Christmas to December 29, I took a short trip down to San Francisco with Greg just to get away from Seattle, to have a little holigay, and to visit my sister.  We almost didn’t get out of the city because of all the snow.  We got up early Christmas Day, drove down to the airport, and found that there was no short, mid, long term parking anywhere. Rather than take our chances and given we had an early headstart, we drove back up to the city, parked Greg’s truck at my house, and got a taxi down the airport. It was smooth flying from there (given a short delay). Pictures of the trip are here.

The overall trip was great. We did a lot of things, saw a lot of things, shopped a lot of things, and hung out a lot. Exactly what the doctor ordered. I even stopped in on the last day of the trip, Monday, to the Modern Language Association’s annual conference; I just wanted to hear Alenda give her paper and then duck out. I did run into a few people from both UW and UMD. It was a very frantic conference. I do not look forward to having to do that gauntlet this year for the job market. Monday  afternoon, we headed to the airport for our flight back. And it hit me like a bouquet of sledgehammers. I got achy, stiff, chilled, fevery, sore throaty, sinusy all at once. It felt like the flu.

Over the following week, my symptoms seemed to subside and come back, subside and come back. New Year’s Eve was curtailed by the fact that I just felt downright crummy. The end of the week came, and I kind of knew that I should go into see the Health Center. But, I felt so bad and so alone that I didn’t want to trek by bus all the way to campus. When the weekend hit, my fever hit astonishing highs and depths, though my sore throat was gone.  Basically, I had had a running temperature between normal and 103 for a week. Something was very not right. Alas, the Health Center is not open over the weekend. I would have to go to the ER, which I was loathe to do. I called a counsulting nurse and she was nice but not very helpful. So, I decided to ride it till Monday. The night between Sunday and Monday was probably the worst I’ve felt in a long time.  My fever was so crazy and I had sweated so much that I woke up literally in a puddle with everything slick to the touch.  Hideous.

Monday morning, I went in, barely taught and introduced my syllabus to the class, and then headed straight to the Health Center. I was seen pretty quickly, and right off the bat, my vitals were alarmingly high. Temperature: 103. Pulse: 131. Blood pressure: high. Signs of extreme dehydration. The doctor immediately put me on a nebulizer and on a saline IV to get my hydrated as bloodwork was done. Then I had to get chest x-rays. It turns out that I had pneumonia but only in my left lung.  Intravenous antibiotics were given, more tests, more questions, more vitals checking. Over a period of about seven hours, I did cool down, I did calm down, I did level out a little. But my ability to draw in enough oxygen was still severely compromised. The doctor felt that I should get admitted to the hospital for further care and for observation.

So, I got medically admitted to the UW Medical Center. Greg came to pick me up from school and escorted me over to the hospital. I was given my own room. And the same battery of questions, examinations, pokings and proddings started all over again. It’s a teaching hospital, so I had the whole Grey’s Anatomy thing going on, too. It wasn’t too bad. Greg kept me company for as long as he could (though it was cute that the nurse listed him as family). I got more antibotics. And I had the best night’s sleep (which was still interrupted) I had had in a long time.

The next day, I felt better. Still really weak and short of breath. But the doctors decided that I could safely go home. I would be given a regimen of oral antibiotics. I was to rest for the rest of the week. And follow up next week with the Health Center on campus.

The details are left out because I just don’t have the energy right now to write them all out.  I have just been trying to keep things low-key, low-stress, low-worry. I cancelled the rest of my first week of classes, which I felt horrible doing. I assigned online work the students could do via our class message boards. I updated family and friends. And I have just been convalescing at home like some Victorian woman.

WELCOME TO ANOTHER YEAR! Happy new year! It seems like 2008 went by really fast. Last year was a filled-to-the-brim year. A lot of things happened. A lot of things got accomplished. A lot of things are still waiting on the jury. Hopefully 2009 will be just as good, just a bright, just as productive, and just as fun plus one. Just a little bit more, please. And go lightly on the bad, the crap, the sad, the disappointing, the troubling, the bruises and the bumps, and the treating people badly (here and abroad).

101 Things I Did in 2008

1. I met Greg on New Year’s Eve. He let me kiss him at midnight.

2. After a couple of emails, Greg and I had our first official date. Dinner and a movie.

3. I saw The Savages (with Greg).

4. I did some last minute reading, cramming, and pre-writing for my PhD exams, including writing one whole essay a week ahead of time banking my committee would ask me that particular question.

5. I saw In the Name of the King.

6. I went to English Grad Pub the Thursday before my exams. I got well-wishes and just wanted to have an “everyday” night before I took my writtens.

7. I took my written PhD exams over the weekend of January 25-28.

8. I saw Juno.

9. I went to a little house party at Lindsay’s.

10. I saw Cloverfield.

11. I taught ENGL 242 E: “Literature as Worldmaking” during Winter quarter.

12. I passed my writtens.

13. I prepped for my oral exams.

14. I celebrated Chinese New Year, the Year of the Rat, but did not make dumplings.

15. I passed my orals on Valentine’s Day.

16. I had a Valentine’s Day date with Greg.

17. I saw The Spiderwick Chronicles.

18. I saw Jumper.

19. I went with Greg to a presentation of the documentary films It’s Elementary: Talking About Gay Issues in School (from 1996) and the 2007 follow-up It’s Still Elementary, which were presented by the Safe Schools Coalition.

20. I started to try to plot my dissertation prospectus.

21. I taught my ENGL 111: Critical Approaches to Harry Potter class again for the Spring Quarter.

22. I took a trip with Greg to San Francisco in late March. I wanted to visit my sister, take a little vacation, and hang out with Greg. It was a really great trip.

23. While in SF, Greg and I stayed at a fancy, boutique hotel called
Hotel Triton.

24. I visited the De Young Fine Arts Museum of San Francisco for the first time ever.

25. I went to the ocean while in SF. It is one of my most favorite things to do.

26. While visiting with my sister, she took Greg and I to explore and to wine-taste in Sonoma.

27. We went to the Roshambo winery.

28. We went to the Benziger winery.

29. We went to the Kunde winery.

30. I had a burrito from the Mission, from Taqueria Cancun. Yum.

31. Greg and I reached three months together.

32. I worked on an article on composition and computer games for Computers and Composition Online.

33. I attended a Queer Worlds lecture by Elizabeth Povinelli called “The Obligations of Intimacy.”

34. I was an officer for the English Department’s Graduate Student Organization.

35. I attended my friend Andrew’s annual kegger, where I created my first ever “chipscape.”

36. I saw Iron Man, which I liked a lot.

37. I helped launch the English GSO’s wiki on departmental procedures, information, and lore.

38. I turned 38.

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